Dear Roe,There’s someone in my life I’ve never quite been able to understand. We’ve known each other for more than 10 years. She’s a close family member by marriage and, despite all that time, I still don’t know where I stand with her. There hasn’t been a huge row. No dramatic falling-out. No single moment I can point to and say, “That’s where everything changed.” Instead, it’s been more than a decade of ordinary family occasions punctuated by subtle moments that have left me with the same unanswered question: Why do I seem to get such a different version of her? Over the years, I found myself genuinely celebrating the good things that happened in her life. Whenever she reached a significant milestone, I was delighted for her. Yet I rarely felt the same interest in the things that mattered to me, none of the same curiosity and encouragement that I’d always tried to show her, and that I’d watched her so naturally extend to others. Years later, our conversations often feel exactly the same. I ask about her work or her plans. She answers politely, but the conversation rarely comes back my way. There have been times I’ve driven home from family occasions feeling completely exasperated, wondering, ‘What is her problem? Why does she seem so relaxed and at ease with everyone else, yet so guarded and dismissive with me?’ If she were like this with everyone, I’d probably accept that it’s simply who she is. But I’ve watched her laugh until she’s crying, dance the night away at weddings, chat effortlessly to people she’s only just met and make them feel completely at ease. I know she’s capable of warmth. I just don’t seem to receive that version of her. Life feels far too short to carry awkwardness around family. How do you stop looking for an explanation when you don’t believe there is one? How do you stop hoping that the next family gathering will somehow be different? And how do you stop allowing one unresolved relationship to occupy so much space in your mind when, deep down, you know you may never understand it?I want you to imagine something. Imagine one day, this woman took a truth serum. Imagine you sat across from her and said “Why do you always seem guarded, judgmental and distant with me? Why can’t you offer me the same warmth and curiosity and basic friendliness you offer other people?” And imagine she responded with complete honesty and said, “I just find you a bit annoying and you grate on my nerves in a particular way. And because I know I have a short fuse and can be snarky, keeping interactions short and polite is actually me trying to keep things pleasant so I don’t take my own issues out on you.”Or imagine she said, “I have a complicated relationship with the person we have in common and my distance isn’t actually anything to do with you personally, but is due to my feelings towards them.” Or, “You did a tiny thing I didn’t like years ago when we first met and because I’m a petty and passive-aggressive person, I’ve held onto it for a decade.” Or, “You remind me of myself in a way that makes me uncomfortable.” Or, “I don’t have a problem with you, but for various reasons to do with my life, other relationships, and emotional energy, you simply aren’t a major priority in my life. But you seem to alternate between pushing for a level of closeness I’m not interested in, and then being weirdly judgy and defensive, even when I’m polite to you, both of which make me withdraw more.”You can create your own imaginary answer. But imagine at the end of every conversation she simply said, “And I don’t intend to ever change how I behave towards you, or our current dynamic.”Were that to happen, I hope that you would be able to embrace the sense of clarity that came with her answers, relax knowing that there is nothing for you to do, laugh to yourself saying, “Life truly is a rich tapestry”, and move forwards, no longer worrying about this woman’s opinion of you, knowing that her issues are hers, not yours.Now, I would like you to realise that this is essentially what has already been communicated to you, through her actions. It’s a lesson so many of us need to learn, in so many situations: closure is a gift you give yourself. So often when we’re looking for closure – whether about a break-up, a conflict, an interpersonal issue – we put ourselves in the passive position, assuming that closure is something someone else must give us, that we need them to explain everything in detail, then wrap it up in a bow before we can move on. But most of the time, we have all the information we need: this person does not want to engage with us in a particular way.If you do figure out that you tend to be drawn to people who treat you coldly, or if you keep ruminating, a therapist might help you unpack thisFor whatever reason, you are not this woman’s cup of tea. You have been brought into each other’s lives by family members, and she only desires an acquaintance level of intimacy with you. You cannot change her or her behaviour. So the question then becomes: Why do you find this so difficult to accept? Why do you find people who are somewhat distant or disapproving so simultaneously upsetting and magnetic?[ ‘My husband is more emotionally intimate with his female therapist than he is with me’Opens in new window ]There is something about this person that you, at some level, find irresistible, as well as aggravating. Your original letter, which I had to shorten considerably, was much longer, filled with tiny incidents of her being somewhat distant that have taken up a massive amount of space in your mind. After 10 years, you are still actively monitoring every encounter with her, seeking her approval, and being hurt every time. So what is it about this woman – who you don’t even seem to particularly like – that makes you feel so desperate for her approval? Have there been other people in your life who withheld affection whose approval you still sought? Do you tend to overvalue the opinion of people who are indifferent towards you, and undervalue people who actively love and admire you? Do you often tie your self-worth to your ability to win the affection of people who withhold it?[ ‘Can I raise doubts about my relationship without ending it?’Opens in new window ]Thinking about the feelings this person inspires in you may help you identify why her approval means so much to you. If you do figure out that you tend to be drawn to people who treat you coldly, or if you keep ruminating, a therapist might help you unpack this. In the meantime, affirming your own narrative will help you feel more agency, like repeating “Not everyone will be best friends, but I still treat people with kindness and respect, and that’s proof of my character”, so you’re reminding yourself that your worth and values exist beyond her. Be polite to her without expecting warmth. Focus on the people who meet you with affection and emotional investment. Stop ignoring rooms full of people who love you in order to spend your time knocking on a closed door.You don’t have to understand why someone doesn’t gel with you in order to choose yourself. Accept this person’s fallibilities are her own – and accept yourself enough to not let her shake your self-worth.