It’s OK to feel the loss, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. The fact that you do shows the devotion and care you’re capable of
My son is moving out. I’m happy for him but I’m bereft. I know “empty nest” is a cliche but it’s out of control and it’s ruining my relationship with him. It feels like grief. I’m tearful all the time. I can’t bear to look at old photos of us. I feel awkward around him, like I’m looking for the old connection when he was little that he’s rightly moved on from.
I wasn’t a happy person before him and without him I’m afraid I’ll go back to how I was. My partner is supportive but I hide how much I’m obsessing about this because there’s only so many times she can sit through my sobbing. He’s still present and wonderful; he needs to go and live his life and I know he’ll come back. How can I stop feeling so terrible about a thing that I know is good and right and natural?
Eleanor says: It’s OK to not feel OK about something you know is good and right. This is a huge loss. One of the biggest chapters of your life is closing. Knowing that he deserves to feel free and happy about this does not mean you have to; his experience doesn’t have to be your experience. You don’t live life through his eyes, you live it as his parent. That means feeling more vulnerable, poignant, nostalgic and divided than the young person in the protagonist’s seat. That’s just the condition of parenthood. You would be a very weird parent indeed if you and he had identical feelings about his life.
