This is how we do it: ‘I could have sex every day, but he says no about 80% of the time’

Fi, 42

double quotation markI worry that Will sees me more as a mother figure than a sexual being

The other morning, I woke up horny and suggested a quickie, but Will said he was too tired – it was too early. When I found him masturbating in bed the next day, I felt so rejected. I drove to work in floods of tears. I knew my feelings weren’t rational – there’s nothing wrong with masturbating – but they were real. All I could think was: couldn’t we have had those two minutes of intimacy yesterday?I love sex and the connection it brings. I could have sex every day, but Will says no about 80% of the time. For me, sex creates closeness. For Will, the opposite is true: he has to feel close before having sex – and his depression, performance anxiety and low confidence mean his libido is lower than mine.Until a couple of weeks ago, we hadn’t had sex in more than six months. My previous relationship was sexless for five years, and I don’t want to end up living with a friend again. But I’ve realised I played a part in that too. I find being vulnerable difficult, so instead of talking honestly about sex and how important it is to me, I put up a wall.It’s hard to know how to drive sex when you have mismatched libidos. I usually initiate with a joke like, “Do you want to put your stick in my hole?” When he says no, I assume it’s my failure, that I asked in the wrong way. I worry that I desire him more than he desires me.I also worry that Will sees me more as a mother figure than a sexual being. When we moved in together last autumn, our differences became more obvious. I was the fixer, the one who gets things done; Will was out of work and in bed for four months with a broken back. He felt worthless.Finding Will masturbating led to the healthiest conversation I’ve had in a relationship. He understood that hearing how attracted he is to me isn’t enough – I need to feel desired through his actions. We’re back to having sex about once a week, which is enough for me to get the validation and reassurance I need. He’s teaching me how to slow down and open up more.Will, 42