Lucia, 45
double quotation markI felt guilty because I love him and want to make him happy
About five years ago, my libido was so low I thought if I never had sex again, I’d be fine. I’m not sure what was causing it. It was during the pandemic and I was stressed by that, or perhaps it was due to hormonal changes that come with perimenopause. It was like something in my brain wasn’t working, and I just couldn’t get it together.I didn’t feel like myself and Edwin and I were arguing more. When we talked about it, he’d say: “What’s going on? You don’t want to have sex with me.” And I’d reply: “It’s not that. It’s that I don’t want to do anything.”It was stressful because we’ve been together for 26 years and he has always been up for it. I felt guilty because I love him and want to make him happy. So I knew that sex was something that still needed to happen in our relationship.It was six months to a year before I went to the doctor. She put me on a supplement, and said it might help with my sex drive. But really it was shifting my mindset that changed things. I knew I had to focus on making sex a priority. And that’s what I did.On days where I didn’t want to have sex, I would give myself a pep talk. I’d look at myself in the mirror and say: “I am going to have sex and I am going to enjoy it.” Then things got much better, even the quality of our sex, because I became more adventurous in an effort to get things going.I started telling Edwin fake sexy stories about things I’d done with someone else. I’d pretend I’d met somebody while he was out, to get us in the mood. We also play “the stranger”, where we pretend to be different people meeting for a date. We’re back to having sex around three times a week.Things have been good since I made this effort – we get along so much better. It’s not as spontaneous; if the kids are home you can’t be loud. Ultimately, things change as you get older, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Life changes and you just have to adapt.Edwin, 46
