Rick, 52
double quotation markI’ve tried knowing and not knowing, and I find both difficult. In an ideal world, we’d go looking for sex together
We’d been dating for six months when Rachel suggested non-monogamy. I went in with an open mind – you never know what something’s like until you try. It’s been wonderful, but also the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I don’t know if non-monogamy will make or break us, but monogamy could just as easily ruin our relationship.On her profile, Rachel’s interests read: “Reading, jigsaw puzzles, running, fucking.” It made me laugh. Divorced and single, I had joined the dating app Feeld after my sex life fell off a cliff. I didn’t want a relationship – I was enjoying being single, I just wanted sex. I matched with Rachel after a month, and fell in love with her very quickly: sexually, emotionally, intellectually – everything just clicked.Rachel has never wanted to know what I was doing with other people, whereas I thought it was better to know everything. But the more I knew, the more I struggled. On the drive home after picking her up from a threesome, I remember thinking: why did I sacrifice my own comfort for the fantasy of a couple I’d never even met?When I’m at home vacuuming and Rachel is out with someone, I can spiral. Going for a run or having a cold shower helps, and I’ve learned to check the facts: do I actually know she’s having a better time than she does with me? Do I know whether the sex is good? Usually, the answer is no.Our rule now is: don’t ask, don’t tell. We’re allowed to lie to each other – Rachel would rather not know. I’ve tried knowing and not knowing, and I find both difficult. In an ideal world, I’d be part of the process, or we’d go looking for sex together. If it were up to me, we probably wouldn’t be non-monogamous. I didn’t go into this wanting sex with lots of people. What I want is stability, but then I remind myself there’s no guarantee of that in monogamous relationships, either – I’ve been cheated on before.Rachel is the most important person in my life and I don’t want to give her up, but, ultimately, if we can’t learn to do this better, I don’t know whether love is enough.Rachel, 43
