QuestionI am due to retire next year, and I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time now. I get on well with my partner and we had plans to do a bit of travel, use a bit of the lump sum to get a new kitchen, and in a way have the kind of life we wished we had before we had children.I imagined quiet glasses of wine in the garden, he would do a cookery course and provide me and friends with cordon bleu dinners and so on. I know it’s fanciful, and I never mentioned this to anyone, so no one knows how upset I am.We have four children and all of them are started in careers, and I love them deeply, but they won’t leave home, and I am desperate.Not only that, but we seem to have accumulated other people’s children – my brother’s son has moved in so that he can study in Dublin. This was initially for a month, but he seems to be loving our chaotic household, and I don’t see him leaving. My eldest now wants her boyfriend to move in so that they can save for a mortgage and everyone seems to think this is a great idea.I know I have contributed to this – that everyone assumes that there is nothing I like more than catering for our big, rambling family and that this is the height of my happiness. They all think that I’ll be delighted to have even more time to devote to them, but it’s not true.I’ve just told my (very laid back) partner that I am not going to retire and that I’m staying working so that I can support the family financially, but the truth is that I will need to get out of the house every day, and work might save my sanity.What do I do? I really do not want to disappoint my family and maybe I should just be happy that they are all well and functioning.AnswerYou are not alone. The housing crisis has led to many families sharing their living spaces and to adult children living at home way beyond the expected time. However, loving and supporting your family does not mean that you sacrifice your retirement for them.It is time to have a very real conversation with your partner, then with all your children and then your brother. You do not have to come up with a solution before starting the conversations as many minds can be applied to considering what might work. The danger is that you anticipate everyone’s objections in advance, and you think they will not understand your position or that they will see you as selfish. All these people love you and you might start by trusting in this and by having faith in their ability to tackle serious issues. It seems that everyone has stayed in the same roles for too long – you in the role of parent and provider and the children as dependant and irresponsible.[ ‘My family don’t particularly like me and I despair about retiring and spending more time with them’Opens in new window ]This is not good for anyone’s development and, as the person most impacted by this status quo, it is up to you to begin the change process. Call a meeting (following your one-to-ones) and make sure that everyone can agree to attend. You might need to tell people that this is very difficult for you and you are not sure you will be able to fully say what you are thinking, but your partner will help you (have this agreed beforehand). Then ask everyone what they see as your difficulty with retirement and what they think your plans and hopes are.Give lots of attention when they get it right and continue asking questions, such as what they think are the blocks to your aspirations and how they might help you overcome them. Ask how long it should take to set change in motion and who might need most help with this – this will acknowledge that not everyone is in the same boat and that some people will need more help in setting up independent lives. Always focus on what is of huge importance to you – that any changes have to keep the family close and connected but that now you are adding honesty and openness to the mix.Tell everyone that this is not a one meeting decision but that you want everyone to go away and think about what was said and that you all will discuss it again in a month or so. People will need to know that there is time for any changes to happen so perhaps tell them when you actually think you can retire and that maybe a year is realistic for everyone. Then do organise another meeting and be open to ideas and suggestions.The skill is to keep an open inquiry going and to trust that everyone (including you) can be heard and supported while change is happening. In doing all this you will be modelling self-care for your family, and this is not selfishness. It is supporting them in becoming fully fledged adults who can make decisions and take responsibility for themselves while still valuing their family.To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com