QuestionMy six-year-old girl has always been shy and reluctant to talk to people outside the family. She is very different from her brother who is seven and is outgoing and chatty.When people visit the house she won’t talk. Even when they say something nice to her, like they love her hair, she won’t respond and looks uncomfortable. At the school gate she hides behind me and can even cry when one of the other mums tries to be friendly with her.When my sister, who lives abroad and rarely sees her, tried to hug her on a recent visit, my daughter froze. It was a bit embarrassing. Her teacher says she is quiet in the classroom and rarely talks to other kids, but seems to be doing her work well. She is a happy girl at home and gets on well with her brother, so that is a positive.My husband thinks I am worrying about nothing. He was a quiet child himself growing up, like my daughter, and so does not think there is much of problem.AnswerEven in the same family, children can have very different personalities. Like your son, some children are naturally social and chatty when meeting new people and others, like your daughter, are quieter and more reserved and take their time to get to know new people. It is not a case that one personality is better than another. While you might think an outgoing child might have more social advantages, there is evidence that quieter children might be more thoughtful and form deeper one-to-one friendships. As a parent, the goal is to appreciate and enjoy each of your children’s unique and different personalities – focusing on the positives of each child.[ ‘My toddler constantly touches her baby sister’s head, sometimes roughly’Opens in new window ]Take time to understandIt is worth taking time to understand in a little more detail how your daughter might be feeling in different social situations. It could be that she does not like being perceived or commented upon by adults, especially in public. Even positive comments about her in front of others can cause her to feel stress and shut down. Any comments about her “being shy” or any pressure to speak can just make matters worse. Instead, your daughter might need space and time in a social situation – she might feel more comfortable when she is not noticed and not the centre of attention. From there she can observe what is going on and make her own decisions – if she does communicate, it is likely one to one during an aside or at the periphery of the group. Identify what makes her comfortableExplore and build upon what makes her comfortable with others – for example your daughter might prefer one to one or smaller groups and be happier when she is doing activities she loves or in places she feels comfortable such as her familiar home or happy activities such as walking the dog. It is great that she gets on well with her brother in play (his presence might help her socially) and that she seeks your support when she needs it (such as holding your hand or standing behind your leg at the school gate). When she does seek your support that is the time to reduce pressure on her, by allowing her to “hide” behind you for a few minutes or perhaps pulling back to a quieter place for a few minutes to give her time to regroup.[ ‘My daughter gets anxious and overwhelmed, and it can escalate into angry outbursts’Opens in new window ]Family dynamics and your sister’s visitIt is interesting that your husband had similar experiences to your daughter growing up, which is helpful in providing a possible understanding of her personality. As I was reading your question, I wondered what your own childhood was like – were you a quiet or an outgoing child? What was your sister like? What was the perception of this in your family? This might be relevant in understanding your own expectations for your daughter. It also might be significant in understanding your sister’s visit and your embarrassment around your daughter freezing when she was hugged - what were the expectations around socialising and greetings in your family growing up?From my perspective it is understandable that your sister would like to connect with her niece as she does not see her often. However, it is of course your daughter’s choice as to whether she wants to give a hug. Such affection might be too much for your daughter as she does not know her auntie well enough. Given your daughter’s personality, she might have a clearer need for physical autonomy and space and this is all okay, – there is no need to be embarrassed about this and your daughter should be supported.When your sister visits again, you can try to set up other, less pressurised ways for them to connect at your daughter’s pace such as following your daughter’s lead, doing activities she loves and so on. Your sister can also start by offering easier forms of physical contact such as high fives or fist bumps or waving hello or goodbye or simply wait until your daughter reaches out herself. John Sharry is Clinical Director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. See solutiontalk.ie