QuestionI feel like I should not be complaining, as I went into this with my eyes completely open and with a lot of experience behind me, but my second marriage is not working. I got married young originally, probably in the flush of first love, and it took me many years to get out of it. It was not easy, as we had two children at that stage and they were at a vulnerable age, but it had to be done and I’m proud of myself that I not only escaped but that the kids seemed relatively okay afterwards. He was not a bad man but he was really a child himself and all the decisions, responsibilities and childcare fell to me, while he was out. I see myself as a sceptic, and for years I thought I only wanted a part-time partner who would make me feel attractive, so I was caught off guard when my second husband waltzed into my life with all the charm and seductive qualities of an alpha male. He was so unlike my first husband, he took charge, paid for things and was always at home, but he was also controlling. At first I took this as a sign of devotion, and we decided to get married at a time that was particularly vulnerable for me (I had just lost my job) and I was happy to be minded and to have someone take charge. However, now I can see what a mistake I made, and I can see the effect in my children – they are both becoming secretive and quiet in a way that is not like them. I now know that I really only want a part-time relationship and I never want to live with a full-time partner again. Can I put my kids and my family through a second break-up? I feel ashamed of my lack of insightfulness and of course I am fully aware of how much divorce costs and that poverty is a very real outcome. I am still very physically attracted to my current husband, and this makes it hard to actually leave – the make-up sessions after fights are really good. Is a middle ground possible?AnswerWhat you are asking is if it is possible for your husband to accept that you would like to have a dating relationship, while also acknowledging that he is controlling and an “alpha male”. It sounds unlikely that he will agree to such an arrangement, but people can surprise us and it may be that he chooses this option if none other is available. What is clear, though, is that you cannot proceed with this marriage as it stands, and you and your children need space to heal and develop. The biggest impact of this second separation will be on the children, and they will need support to come to terms with this. You will need to take into account their relationship with their father (your ex) and how this has impacted their lives. Do you want your current husband to continue to have a relationship with them and, if so, how might he use this in his possible anger and resentment against you?It might be a good idea to discuss this with people – such as other family or teachers – who know the children and who have their best interests at heart, so that your separation plan starts with them and is guided by their needs. It takes courage to face our mistakes, and sometimes shame and fear keep us in a situation much longer than is good for us. This delay can cause exhaustion and deplete our self-esteem. You will need all your resources and self-confidence in order to tackle this situation, so early action will leave you with energy and determination. The children will also learn from your willingness to address mistakes and to tackle obstacles to wellbeing, and this is not to be underestimated.The other obstruction to you leaving is the sexual desire you share with your husband, and this is a powerful draw to keeping you together. You will need to make a decision about this as the pattern is that argument is followed by pleasure, and you can see how dangerous this might be in terms of you actually leaving the marriage. Any decision you make should be followed by body, mind and heart – that is, if you choose to leave, your body does not go back, your mind is not for changing and you are emotionally committed to separation. The alternative is that your controlling husband will believe (rightly) that what you say can be overturned and he has the power to make this happen. Controlling behaviour is based on fear – that if left to their own devices, the other person will not choose them or that they cannot trust they will be loved for themselves. If you suggest separation, this confirms the above idea, and it is likely that your husband will become ever more controlling as his biggest fear is confirmed. So if you have made your decision to separate, leave no room for doubt, have a plan and follow it, and focus on your and your children’s future happiness.It may be that your husband wants to work on the relationship and is willing to tackle his controlling behaviour, and if this is genuine, you could offer him the opportunity to prove his intention to you. You would need evidence of this in terms of his attending appropriate support, but it is likely that family therapy would also be on the cards for this to be successful so that all the affected people could participate in the changes.