Dear Roe,I am a woman in my 30s. I have been married for almost two years, and was with my now-husband for several years before that. Before me he was already married, and had two children. He tells me he was extremely unhappy in that relationship, and was relieved when the divorce came through. He tells me he loves me every single day; we talk, we text and we laugh the way we did when we were only dating. His family tell me it is the happiest they have ever seen him, and they are all very kind to me. His kids and I get on really well, and have from the start. Unfortunately, I have a history with mental health issues – I suffer with a disorder in which the key symptom is fear of abandonment. After we became engaged (and began the long and hormonal road of IVF), I became totally obsessed with the thought of being his Second Wife. He isn’t really mine because he married someone else before. He had children with this woman. I’m nothing, and everyone knows it. All my friends are married to men they love and who love them. They are the only wives. They are the mothers of their husbands’ children. I’m not. He chose someone else before me. He made those vows, commitments and children with someone else. It makes me feel terrified, sick and worthless. Now we have our own baby coming. Everyone seems so happy for us both, but I still feel like sloppy seconds, useless – that I can’t trust this relationship is real. How can I trust his love and commitment, when he has offered it all to someone else before? Is this my disorder? Am I going to feel like this forever? Is his love for me real? I am really very scared. I would so appreciate any advice or thoughts.Many people have insecurities, fears, anxieties or traumas that make them doubt their self-worth, or fear that the people they love will leave them, or leave them unable to metabolise and trust the love that is being offered to them. When we love someone deeply and experience the accompanying vulnerability of that, these fears and anxieties can become heightened, as we fear the pain of them one day leaving us. When you have a mental health condition that causes a consistent fear of abandonment, that anxiety is going to latch on to pre-existing fears and feelings of low self-worth, trapping you into repetitive cycles of painful, anxious thoughts that feel like truths: You’re not good enough. He doesn’t love you. His former relationship devalues yours.[ ‘I’m deeply unhappy but I think leaving my husband will destroy him’Opens in new window ]These thoughts sound incredibly hurtful to deal with, but they are not based in reality or truth. Many, many people have relationships before finding the person they spend the rest of their lives with. Many people marry and divorce, and the lucky ones find love again. Love is not a finite resource, and it is not rendered any less pure, meaningful or real because it has existed before in other forms. Indeed, I’d argue that often, love over time accumulates wisdom and discernment – through relationships and experiences, we learn what we value deeply; what we long for; what we once thought was attractive but is actually unimportant or even unhealthy; and we get to know ourselves more – so we understand more clearly what we want.Your husband married relatively young and realised that his ex and their relationship was not for him. He ended the relationship and sought out the love he now understood that he needed – and found it in you. He has committed to you, joined his life with you, shows up for you in daily life, is building a future with you, and having a baby with you. All of that is literal evidence of the love he has for you and his commitment to you. None of that is diluted or rendered less meaningful because of his previous experience – on the contrary, I’d argue that the lessons he has learned and the bravery it takes to try again all speak to his certainty about you.I know it can be difficult to overcome your own anxieties and fears and insecurities, so if you don’t believe me, allow me to offer you some of my own experience for perspective. I have had several serious relationships. Some were juvenile. Some were painful. Some were lovely experiences that I’m deeply grateful for, but ultimately not right for the long-term. Think of the baby you’re about to have. When this person grows up and falls in love and gets their heart broken and are brave enough to let themselves fall in love again – what do you want them to believe?I learned from every single one of them (some lessons I unfortunately had to learn more than once), and I grew from every one of them – and every single one of those experiences meant that when I met my current partner, I knew. Not that he was the person I had been waiting for, but that he person I had been growing towards – and wanted to keep growing with. My previous loves and relationships did not diminish what I felt for him – they were the reasons I could recognise the depths of my feeling, and the reasons I was sure I wanted to commit to him. Life is full of lessons that help us figure out what we really want.If you can believe me about my experience, then you can hopefully understand that to be possible in your life – that your husband’s previous experiences are exactly what crystallised and clarified his love for you, and made him ready for you. But I understand that knowing something intellectually is not the same as feeling something emotionally or psychologically, particularly when you have mental health issues that consistently create a fear of abandonment. This is why I do think it’s vitally important that you find a therapist who specialises in supporting people with your disorder, so they can help you differentiate between your fears and reality, and so they can help you with tools and coping mechanisms that will help you regulate and to break out of negative spirals.[ I’ve gone through some big life changes and don’t know if my husband and I fit anymoreOpens in new window ]A good therapist will also be able to specifically address this feeling of retroactive jealousy. Retroactive jealousy is an intense obsession with a partner’s past romantic or sexual history, which can manifest as deep feelings of insecurity, fears of abandonment, or distrust regarding the love your partner offers you. The feelings can be obsessive and intrusive, and very difficult to break out of – which is why you deserve help and support.Think of the baby you’re about to have. When this person grows up and falls in love and gets their heart broken and are brave enough to let themselves fall in love again – what do you want them to believe? That love can only be offered once in a lifetime, and if their first big relationship doesn’t work out, that they’ve nothing real left to offer anyone else? Or do you want them to believe that love is expansive; that growth is always happening; and sometimes the path to our futures has some challenges, forks, detours, and side-quests along the way? Do you want them to believe that each of those experiences is not only valuable in its own right, but can be the very things that help nudge our compass back to its True North?Your disorder is not your fault and I know you are not choosing these feelings. But they are feelings, not truths. By not seeking out help in dealing with them, you are risking letting these irrational thoughts destroy the very relationship you care so much about. So love your husband, yourself and your relationship enough to seek out the support you deserve. Good luck.