Dear Roe,I have recently discovered that my husband has been paying prostitutes for sex. It has absolutely broken me and blown up our lives. When I found out the truth I asked him to leave the family home as I couldn’t stomach him. He stayed in a hotel for a few weeks and now is renting an apartment in an elite neighbourhood living his best life. I have engaged a child psychologist to help manage the children’s emotions. We have told them Mum and Dad are best friends, but Dad will live in a different house. We haven’t mentioned the word separation or divorce. I worry all the time as I don’t know if I can afford to keep my children in the life they have grown up in. The pressure I feel is immense every single day. My elderly mother-in-law doesn’t know the truth; she just understands that the marriage has broken down. Her not communicating with me now in the same way really breaks my heart. She is a wonderful lady, and I feel bad that the family have rallied around their brother and shielded her from the awful truth. She doesn’t deserve to have the pain I feel, I know that, but I see it as disrespectful to her not being truthful. I simply cannot put on the mask and lie to her. We are going through mediation and solicitors and its emotionally draining trying to keep things positive for my children. I never want them to know the pain and hurt I am experiencing.I’m so deeply sorry you’re going through this. To have your life upended so violently by such a betrayal is a deep, seismic shock. I know the pain is excruciating right now – but I need you to know that choices your husband made to betray you and jeopardise your family and the future you were building together were his and his alone. They have absolutely no reflection on your worth, and are entirely a reflection on him and his own issues.I need you to remember this, because with your line about him “renting an apartment in an elite neighbourhood living his best life”, I suspect you are creating some narratives in your head about him happily moving on rapidly while you’re struggling. Let me be clear: no man who cheats on his wife with sex workers, loses his marriage, irrevocably changes the dynamic he will have with his children, and loses out on the beautiful future his family life was offering him, is a man living his best life. That is a man living alone in an apartment knowing that he’s destroyed his family; that his actions are shameful and embarrassing; and that the rest of his life will be defined by the consequences of his choices.Given his history of compartmentalising and shutting off his empathy for you and your family, it wouldn’t surprise me if he tries to enter this phase of life by partying or dating or performing this “best life” you’re witnessing – but that isn’t real. Like his betrayal of you, it reflects someone avoiding honesty, intimacy and the consequences of his actions. Do not mistake activity for happiness. Do not mistake a nice apartment for fulfilment.And do not mistake his infidelity as a test that you somehow failed; a sign that you were somehow deficient and that caused him to betray you. You were a test that he failed. He had the opportunity to live with honesty, integrity, commitment, care, empathy, devotion, respect – and he failed. You get to move on with your life knowing that you are a caring, loving, honest person. He has to move on being him. Trust me, in that equation, you have already won a million times over.I know that’s hard to believe right now. It won’t feel true for a long time. But for now, what strikes me is how much of your emotional energy is still being spent managing everyone else’s feelings. You are protecting your children from adult burdens; worrying about your mother-in-law’s heartbreak; trying to preserve a positive atmosphere through mediation; and you are even spending time imagining your husband’s emotional state.Right now, you need people who can hold and support you. You have experienced a profound betrayal while also dealing with parenting responsibilities, financial uncertainty and the collapse of a future you had carefully planned. That’s an extraordinary amount for one person to carry, and you do not have to be endlessly strong or try do it alone. You deserve support.Which brings me to your mother-in-law. I’m sorry that your relationship with her is altered now. One of the cruellest and least acknowledged losses after a separation is the collateral damage to the wider relationships that grew around the marriage – the in-laws, family traditions, friendships, shared histories. That’s a deep loss and one that deserves to be grieved.But asking his family to witness your pain is only going to leave you feeling more alone. I think what you’re seeking is recognition from someone who loves him; someone who also believed him to be a decent, honest and loyal family man, and who can acknowledge the shock and betrayal of what he has done. But his elderly mother cannot meet that need. His family are likely grappling with their own grief, loyalty and denial while protecting their understanding of who he is. That doesn’t make it fair, but it is predictable. So you need to reshape the narrative you’re putting on this. They are no longer your support system.If maintaining some connection with her feels important, you can be honest without revealing all, because there’s a difference between dishonesty and privacy. You can say that the marriage ended because of choices your husband made that caused deep hurt and destroyed trust. That is true and honest. But if the purpose of telling the full story is to have your pain witnessed and feel supported, tell it to the people who can actually do that for you.Practically, continue leaning on your solicitor, your mediator, your financial advisers and any professionals who can help create certainty around the house, the finances and the children’s future. Emotionally, seek support from people invested in protecting you. Friends who can sit with your anger, family members who can tolerate your grief, and a therapist who can help you process the betrayal and uncertainty now unfolding.Remember that your children do not need a mother who never feels pain, but who shows them that pain can be survived, that that difficult truths can be faced, and that life can be rebuilt after profound disappointment.I promise you that the life you are living today is not the life you will be living a year from now. The practical questions will be answered, the legal processes will move forward, the shock will ease, and the children will adapt. And little by little, the enormous weight you are carrying will become lighter.Your husband’s choices have changed your life. But they do not get to define the rest of it. The best of luck.