QuestionI recently met a fantastic man through work and we both have feelings for each other. He is divorced, but I am married.I have not been unfaithful, but I don’t know how much more I can take. I have not been happy in my own marriage for a while and now this has happened, I know what I need to do. But I am scared of the fallout if I tell my husband I want a divorce.We have children and I am not scared of being a single mother and raising them, but it’s more the societal expectations and what people will think. I know a lot of people think we have the perfect life and marriage (good jobs, nice house, holidays, luxuries) but unfortunately all that did not make me happy. My husband is a good man; it’s just there is nothing there between us any more. I have told a few close people how I feel and they are really supportive, but I don’t know if I can make the leap to tell my own family (or his) as they seem to think we are fine.I have thought about suggesting counselling to my husband but, to be honest, my heart is not in it either, so maybe there is no point in it. Meeting this other man now has also made me feel seen, wanted and appreciated again in a way that I have not felt in years. I feel stuck in a circle of survival at the moment, going through the daily motions, work, kids, school, routines.Any advice on how I start to move forward?AnswerYour letter says it all: you know what to do but fear is what is stopping you.Our reputation matters to us, so of course you are concerned that you will carry the brunt of others’ speculation around the end of the marriage. However, sometimes, we continue on in a pattern because we accept it as not too bad, until something forces us to confront the reality.In your case, your desire for this new man is that moment.The very first person who needs to know of any of this is your husband, and the sooner the better, as he may well hear it from one of your friends (unintentionally) and he deserves to be a main player in this decision. Sticking to the truth may seem hard but it will clarify for him any thoughts of saving the marriage if you are definitely beyond this possibility.Are you happy to end this marriage even if the relationship with the other man does not develop, and can you hear your husband if he wants to revive it? Your husband will need time to absorb everything and it would be good to have some trajectory in mind – for both of you. He will need regular conversations, a sense of how long he has before the dissolution becomes public and, most of all, he will need you to to be upfront about your other relationship and its development.[ ‘My partner’s blunt communication style is grating on my nerves. Should we break up?’Opens in new window ]Ideally, you will both come to some agreement about informing your children in the first instance, then your families and close friends. This can be very difficult and you would do well to consult a professional to assist with this arduous task. The Government provides professional mediation to separating families as it acknowledges the pain, hurt and fallout that can result from divorce. These professionals have expertise and can offer an objective stance when you and your husband get stuck in the grief and confusion of separating financially, parentally, and commuity-wise. (See citizensinformation.ie for information on this service in your local area.)It is clearly best for children if the parents remain capable of being respectful speaking to and about each other but this will take effort on both your parts. As your husband is likely to feel betrayed and angry, it is encumbent on you to stay calm, open to listening and confident that you can both manage this well. You may also need to talk to your coworker and ask him if he can give you time to devote to the dissolution of your marriage. It will keep things clean if you can honestly say that you are not in another relationship and it will help with your discussions with your own and your in-law families.A challenge for you will be to not go to your new man for emotional support and comfort (at least for a while) and you will need to negotiate this with him, which will add to the burden. What is his attitude?Is he up for a full-blown relationship with you and can you tolerate uncertainty if this emerges?You seem to have good friends to support you and this will be helpful to you as you cope with multiple peoples’ distress. Your children will look to you for steadfastness and love and it will allow them to express their upset if they can see that you are functioning, so invest in your own self-care and do not feel guilty about this. Whatever gives you sustenance is important to maintain, so create a schedule for yourself and stick to it while this unfolds.You will need patience and faith in a future for all of you and this starts with sustaining a strong sense of your own capacity and wellbeing.To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com