This has happened to many of us: You start a new relationship, and you feel like you have to act indifferently towards the other person because you don't want to seem insecure or clingy. You might fear that if you share an anxiety about a mismatched communication style, or try to figure out where you stand before the three-month mark, the romance will be over before it starts. But as a clinical psychologist with 10 years of experience, I tell my clients that asking for reassurance isn't the same as being needy. Our modern dating culture has completely distorted that distinction and our relationships are flatlining because of it. Seeking reassurance from a new partner is not the red flag that many people believe it is. Here's why.The toxic dating myth that's derailing our relationshipsBeing unbothered and nonchalant has become a dating ideal, accelerated by a swiping culture that has eroded our ability to connect in person. It's teaching people that vulnerability is desperate. But you need to be vulnerable to build something that's real. Otherwise all you're doing is performing for a role that you don't actually want.New relationships will inevitably open up old wounds like abandonment and rejection. So anxiety is completely normal. Wanting to know where you stand means this connection is important to you.This shouldn't be seen as a weakness. Looking for reassurance is a sign that you care and are invested, and that your instincts are working. Healthy reassurance-seeking vs. actual needinessHealthy reassurance-seeking can be broken down into three steps: notice when you're feeling uncertain or unsafe, name it, and bring the concern to your partner in a confident way to restore a sense of security.Neediness is a never-ending hunger for external validation that no response ever satisfies. Only you have the power to satiate that hunger.But reassurance-seeking can cross over to neediness when it's unrelenting and no amount of effort or comfort really sticks. This could look like catastrophizing and trying to get the upper hand by picking a fight to get confirmation they care, withdrawing and hoping they'll chase you, or trying to make them jealous.People often use these strategies to try to get an answer to the question they're too afraid to ask: "Do you really want me?" These ploys can initially can bring your partner closer, but it always backfires in the end. The biggest green flag is being open about your needs Emotional safety in relationships is created by voicing your needs in a way that your partner can truly hear them. For example, you could say: "I'm feeling a little uncertain about where we stand, could we talk about it?" or "I noticed I felt anxious when I didn't hear from you in over 24 hours, I just wanted to let you know how it made me feel." This approach works because you're naming the feeling, making a concrete request and giving them space to respond without feeling attacked. Ultimately, nothing is stronger than having the courage to ask for what you need. It's a sign of real emotional maturity.Dr. Sabrina Romanoff is a Harvard-trained clinical psychologist, professor, and writer specializing in relationships, high-achievement and anxiety. Her research has been published in the Journal of Psychiatry Research and presented at the Harvard Medical School Mysell Psychiatry Research Symposium. She has been featured in The New York Times, Forbes, Women's Health, USA Today, and on CBS and ABC. Follow her on Instagram.Want to get ahead at work? Then you need to learn how to make effective small talk. In CNBC's new online course, How To Talk To People At Work, expert instructors share practical strategies to help you use everyday conversations to gain visibility, build meaningful relationships and accelerate your career growth. Sign up today!