The fuel that powers healthy high achieversMany young people today are motivated by the fear that if they fall short, they will be less loved or accepted, as if their value hinges on their performance.In 2021, I partnered with a Baylor University researcher to investigate the impact of achievement culture among young adults. Our survey — which was published in my book "Never Enough" — of nearly 500 students revealed a sobering finding: More than half believed their parents' love fluctuated based on their performance.Psychologists call this "conditional regard," or parental affection that depends on a child meeting certain expectations, whether academic, athletic, or behavioral.Children raised on conditional regard can become so afraid of mistakes that even minor setbacks can rattle their sense of self. It can erode self-worth, accelerate burnout, and leave them feeling purposeless once the accolades stop coming or vulnerable to depression when they experience setbacks.Cultivate a mattering mindset early onWe have to help our kids build a mattering mindset from the start. When children know they are valued despite the outcome, they are freed to take healthy risks, to learn from mistakes, to push harder, and to recover faster.1. Get a PhD in your childBecome an expert in who they are. What makes them light up? What challenges do they hide? What strengths might others overlook? The more we understand their quirks and talents, the more they feel seen for their unique selves. Feeling known and loved is powerful fuel.2. Remind them their worth is non-negotiableWhen your child fails — gets cut from the team, bombs a test — remind them their value isn't up for debate.One mother I interviewed uses this exercise: She holds up a $20 bill. "What's it worth?" she asks. Then she crumples it and dunks it in water. "What's it worth now?" Still $20. No matter the setbacks, its value hasn't changed, and neither has theirs.3. Get curious, not furiousAll children want to do well. If they aren't thriving, take a step back and ask why. Is it an undiagnosed learning difference? A social conflict? A teaching style mismatch? Struggles are clues.When we express anger over a child's performance, it can break the parent-child connection. Curiosity preserves your relationship, and is a gateway to clean fuel.4. Celebrate their ripple effectLet them know when their actions make a difference. Whether it's comforting a sibling, brightening a friend's day, or coming up with a clever solution, take the time to remind them that their value goes far beyond their achievements.5. Let your face light upToo often, we're so focused on preparing kids for the future that we forget to show them the joy we feel simply by being their parent. At least once a day, show warmth and affection regardless of performance. Let them know they are just as cherished on a bad day as on a good one.If I could offer one piece of advice to parents this fall, it would be to worry less about the grades and more about the mindset you're helping cultivate in your child — the one that fuels lifelong achievement.Jennifer Breheny Wallace is an award-winning journalist and author of the New York Times bestseller "Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic — and What We Can Do About It." She lives in New York City with her husband and three teens. You can follow her on Instagram @jenniferbrehenywallace.Want to stand out, grow your network, and get more job opportunities? Sign up for Smarter by CNBC Make It's new online course, How to Build a Standout Personal Brand: Online, In Person, and At Work. Learn from three expert instructors how to showcase your skills, build a stellar reputation, and create a digital presence that AI can't replicate.