I’ve spent seven years studying achievement culture and interviewing hundreds of high-performing kids and their families. One issue that comes up again and again for parents and teens is how much the high-stakes world of college admissions affects their relationships.
Amid a competitive, expensive and uncertain process, it’s easy to understand a parent’s temptation to micromanage every detail. But this can often lead to fights and resentment.
Having observed the strain that the college admissions arms race can have on family life, I have a non-negotiable parenting rule: with my three teens, we don’t talk about post-high school plans until the spring of their junior year.
Once spring of junior year rolls around, we confine college conversations to an hour each weekend at a time our child chooses, usually Sunday afternoon. These boundaries keep the topic contained and our relationship from being consumed by it.
That one guardrail has been transformative. It stops the anxious parent drip — the constant stream of “Did you finish that supplement? Did you ask your teacher for a recommendation?” — from seeping into every car ride and family dinner.
