I spent seven years studying high-achieving students, interviewing hundreds of them and their families.
Many young people I met described monitoring grades, rankings, and résumés as if they were constantly evaluating their worth. In some families, achievement took on an outsized role, leading some children to wonder whether their parents’ love was tied to how well they performed.
Achievement culture promises to open doors, suggesting that better grades and better college degrees guarantee better futures. But a growing body of research shows that this relentless chase can breed perfectionism, a trait linked to higher rates of anxiety and depression.
So what can a parent do to protect against this narrow view of success and self-worth?
We can help young people turn their self-focused attention outward. When children shift from “How am I doing?” to “Where can I be useful?” they develop a stronger identity, rooted in contribution rather than performance. Small, everyday ways of being needed — helping a neighbor, being counted on at home, showing up for a team — can buffer against that harmful inner-scorekeeping and build a sturdier sense of self-worth.
