Dear Roe, I have a bit of a conundrum. I (in my 30s, female) recently ended things with a man after a few lovely dates due to just not feeling a romantic connection or significant sexual attraction. I had given it a few extra dates to make sure, and it wasn’t a situation where attraction was going to start to grow. I realised that a lot of the things that had turned me off him were him not acting like previous men I had been attracted to – men that I wasn’t sure were into me, or that I thought were “out of my league” etc. I began to think that I was attracted to this more unstable dynamic, that it brings me an excitement. I also unfortunately think it might be linked to my self-esteem – if the “cool guy” fancies me, it’s the greatest feeling. I really don’t like this aspect of my attraction make-up, but I’ve realised it’s there and it’s significant. I feel this is a signal to check in with why my self-worth is this way, but my reason for writing to you is to ask, can I change my attraction preferences? Can I change who I’m drawn to? If I “fix” any self-esteem issues I have, I don’t feel like I will magically be more attracted to a different type of person. I can’t help who I’m attracted to, can I?There’s good news, there’s great news, and there’s glorious news.The good news is that you’re aware of your patterns in dating; you’re aware of your low self-esteem and that it needs work; and you’re aware that you increasingly do not like the values and insecurities that are driving your dating choices, and want to choose differently.The great news is that yes, you absolutely can change who you’re drawn to, and become more attracted to people who make you feel good, who make you feel comfortable and valued, who expand your self-worth and your life, instead of shrinking it down.[ ‘I’m very clear on dating apps that I want love. The dates agree initially but then disappear’Opens in new window ]And the glorious news is that if you commit to this work, you get to spend the rest of your life enjoying attractions and relationships and loves that are going to make you feel better than you ever have. Hell, when you’re making choices from a place of self-worth that is in alignment with your values, even rejections and bad dates feel better, because they all help to reinforce your sense of agency, your commitment to your own boundaries, and your connection with yourself. What a gift.Now, a caveat. None of this means that every nice, available man is a romantic prospect, if only you can therapise yourself hard enough. You are allowed not to fancy people. You are allowed to want sexual chemistry, excitement and desire. The goal isn’t to train yourself to accept relationships that leave you cold. It’s to get curious about what you currently experience as exciting, and why.And I do think you should get curious, and do it with a therapist. Look at your self-esteem and self-worth, and ask yourself where you learned that being chosen by someone you consider “out of your league” is a measure of your value. Ask what exactly makes someone “out of your league” in your mind, and what being desired by that person seems to prove.Women who date men are often taught to place enormous value on being desired, while being given remarkably little encouragement to explore what we actually desire ourselves. We are taught to wonder whether we’re attractive enough, thin enough, cool enough, young enough, sexy enough. We’re taught to feel grateful when a man we consider desirable decides that we’re worthy of his attention. And it’s very easy, within that framework, for the actually important question of “Do I actually like this person?” to become buried under the almost impulsive quest of “Can I get him to like me?”When you’re dating, pay attention to yourself. How do you feel around this person? Do you feel good, interesting, funny, relaxed, sexy, curious, expansive?That’s where you need to look very carefully at the instability and anxiety you describe as defining your romantic life. Is the excitement really about the man himself, or the project of trying to convince someone that you’re worthy of their attention? Are you attracted to him, or are you attracted to the dopamine hit of being validated by someone you’ve decided has the power to confer value upon you?These can feel remarkably similar. But they are not the same.And yes, working on your self-esteem can absolutely change this, because you will learn to stop confusing anxiety with chemistry, uncertainty with excitement, and being kept at a distance with having found someone worth pursuing.I also want to challenge this idea of someone being “out of your league”. I’m assuming you’re talking largely about looks, status or some combination of the two, but whatever the metric is, it reduces both you and the other person to a deeply reductive hierarchy. It says that some people are prizes and others are lucky to be chosen by them. And once you’ve decided that your partner is above you, it’s worth asking what that belief might cost you. Will you feel free to set boundaries? Will you be fully yourself? Will you expect to be treated well? If the relationship becomes unhealthy, will you leave? Or will some part of you remain so invested in having “won” this person, and in what being with them seems to prove about you, that you’ll tolerate things you otherwise wouldn’t?[ I have met someone who should be the ideal man for me - but I don’t want anything seriousOpens in new window ]By repeatedly seeking out relationships with people you’ve placed above you, you’re ensuring that you will always feel undeserving of your own partner. That’s a terrible foundation on which to build self-worth or intimacy.And think, too, of all the wonderful people you’re missing out on while measuring human beings according to one narrow metric. People who will make you laugh until your stomach hurts. People who will fascinate you, surprise you, challenge you, adore you. There are so many gorgeous, kind, sparkling people in the world who could make you feel incredible – and instead you’re choosing conventionally attractive guys who make you feel unworthy. You’re limiting your life, but also your experience of yourself, to something so meagre.So think seriously about what you actually want in a partner, and why. Do you want a relationship that looks a certain way from the outside, or one that feels good to live inside? Do you want someone because being chosen by them proves something, or because you genuinely like who you are when you’re with them? How do you want to feel when you love and are loved?And when you’re dating, pay attention to yourself. How do you feel around this person? Do you feel good, interesting, funny, relaxed, sexy, curious, expansive? Do you feel like yourself? Or do you feel smaller, more self-conscious, anxious, insecure, preoccupied with how you’re being perceived?You cannot simply command yourself to be attracted to someone. But you can examine the beliefs, hierarchies, wounds and cultural scripts that shape what you find desirable. You can stop feeding patterns that fulfil your worst thought about yourself. You can learn to notice forms of attraction that may once have been drowned out by the louder, more familiar thrill of uncertainty. You can stop giving other people the job of proving your worth to you.And over time, you will discover something better than winning over the cool guy who seems out of your league: the pleasure of being with someone you desire, who desires you, where neither of you has to audition for the privilege of being loved.Do the work. It will change your life. I’m so excited for you.