QuestionI’m a man in my early 60s, and I have a lot to be grateful for - I’m financially secure, my children are grown up and starting lives of their own and I live in a place I like and have friends I like.The problem is that my wife is no longer in love with me. I don’t mean that she does not love me, but she no longer desires me, and I can’t get over it. We got together in college, and I married my first love. She is the only woman I’ve had sex with and, as uncool as this sounds, she really is the only woman I had planned to have sex with.This was a gradual decline, but I think it started with menopause. My wife has been heroic about it – she has tried to enjoy intimacy, but I can see that her heart (and her body) is not in it and that then stops me in my tracks. I don’t even suggest it anymore in case she moves out of the bedroom, but underneath I’m heartbroken.I still love her. She is empathetic, kind and still gorgeous – my desire for her is as strong as it ever was. As an example of her kindness, she has suggested that I date other women because she knows I’m suffering. She even said that she knows this puts us at risk, but she can’t bear to see me so miserable.I cannot even consider this as I feel so wretched. What can I do?AnswerIt seems that your relationship has been the complete picture for many years, and you have had it all – the love, the desire, the success and the functioning children. Now the question is whether you can accept that there are losses and compromises to be dealt with and how the two of you might navigate this next step.You are clearly experiencing grief for a core part of your relationship that is now gone, and you need to accept that holding on to the past never works, so this needs to be tended to before looking for possible solutions. Grieving is a process, where we move from denial, through thinking we can fix it (the what-if scenarios) and on to acceptance. Rushing the process does not work, and what facilitates it is allowing people to bear witness and offer comfort along the way. You say you have good friends, so bringing it up with one or two of them (with your wife’s permission) might be helpful. No doubt they have their own experiences of loss and disappointment and can offer you solace and understanding.Expanding your circle of intimacy to include friends leads to more connectedness and belonging, and this will lead to higher life satisfaction. Of course, it takes courage and vulnerability to do this, but as you grow your circle of care, it puts less of a burden on the one soulmate.[ ‘I only want a part-time relationship. Can I put my kids through a second marriage break-up?’Opens in new window ]To have someone fall out of love/lust with you is painful, but you are sure that you are still loved and valued, and this is far from nothing. Life is a process of letting go. As a parent, you must have realised that almost from birth, you are planning for separation – and this is what we call successful parenting. Perhaps doing the full journey with your mate is also a series of acceptances, forgiveness and letting go until you are both free to be genuinely yourselves.Your honesty with each other is intimate, so some of that need for closeness continues to be filled, but denying your physical desire is probably not an answer either. Could you and your wife work on meeting some of the physical needs: to be held, touched and admired while also meeting her need for no intercourse? You could investigate your wife’s needs for closeness and connection also, in a truly open manner. If this does not suffice, you could go to a mediator/therapist to discuss the impact of bringing a third person into your relationship.Any third person would need to be fully aware that the love is all between you and your wife, and this is a tough position to negotiate. Desire is part of being alive, so accepting you have physical desire is testament to that lifeforce. However, if you and your wife can accept it and accept that she does not have to fulfil that desire, it might free you both up to explore other forms of connection that offer satisfaction, even if it differs from what you expected from your lifelong relationship.You are already well able to engage with difficult topics, so lean in instead of pulling back and be open to discovering new options.To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com