This is how we do it: ‘I joined a hook-up app for widowed people, and discovered the strongest chemistry I’ve ever felt’

Nicky, 54

double quotation markI thought: I’ve found someone else who wants to live every moment like it’s their last – he gets it

When my husband Andy died in 2020, my grief manifested in unexpected ways. I craved sex, touch and intimacy – anything to soften the shock, offer comfort or make me feel less alone. I discovered that “widow’s fire” – an intense desire that is rarely spoken about – is very common.Feeling judged and alone, I joined a no-strings hook-up site, for widowed people trying to move forward without shame or stigma. I knew many others must be feeling the same desire, guilt and confusion. I’d been using WidowsFire for a couple of years when I got a message from Dan (“a silver fox, direct, charming and dominant”) while on holiday with my son.On our first date, the chemistry was instant. He looked even better than his pictures, which never happens. After two non-alcoholic beers, he suggested we go back to mine. We almost ran down the corridor, and had sex until 4am. It was the best first-date sex I’d ever had. I remember hoping that it wasn’t just a one-night stand.I met his kids on our third date. When you’re widowed, there’s no shared custody – you are your children’s everything, all the time – so blending families happens quickly.There’s a “fuck it” widow’s mentality because you know how quickly life can end. So when Dan drove us to an industrial estate a few dates in and said he’d booked an hour in a sex dungeon, I thought: I’ve found someone else who wants to live every moment like it’s their last – he gets it.With Dan, everything feels as it’s meant to be. We spend hours in bed talking – the intellectual chemistry is the strongest I’ve ever felt. I wrestle with that sometimes, asking myself whether I love Dan more than I loved Andy. But relationships are all about timing, and Andy was the right person to share those 20 years of my life with.Being with a widower means being with someone who understands the grief, the loss, the loneliness. There’s a deep emotional connection because we know the horrors the other has been through – and the deeper the connection, the better the sex.Dan, 52