QuestionI am a bisexual man in a committed relationship with a woman. Both me and my current partner have many close queer friends in our circles. My previous long-term relationship was also with a woman.I have never explored sexually, but I do know I identify as at least queer or questioning. My parents are divorced and live in different countries. My mother is very compassionate and understanding, and when I came out to her she was initially shocked and distressed but eventually said the words: “You are my son and I will always love you and who you are.”My father is more conservative and traditional, as is his whole side of the family, which I only see once or twice a year as they are in a different country. They will often bring up LGBT issues in Ireland or the West in a critical way and hold very dated views.Because of this, I rarely bring up my own sexuality and I am reticent when bringing up my friends, even when they ask – for example, if a woman has a wife, etc. I feel stifled and suffocated and like I am suppressing myself around this part of my family, like they will not love me if I am fully honest, like they love a version of me that is not real and would not love if they knew the truth.I am not sure if I should be confronting them, or continuing to shut down during these conversations for the sake of peace and harmony.I would like to engage and educate them compassionately, but I don’t know if they are capable of change or what tools to use.AnswerAt a core level, you are having a good life – you are in a committed relationship and have a close friend group who share your values. Your identity is accepted and understood and any exploration of your sexuality will be supported in this environment.What you are struggling with is the fear that your father’s family will reject you if they discover your values. In a strange way, you are asking others to change in order to allow you to be who you are and this may or may not happen. What we are fully in charge of is being happy with who we are, stepping fully into our own sense of self and living by our own principles. If we can do this, we grow in confidence and our core selves cannot easily be dismantled by others’ disapproval or comments.[ ‘I’m in my mid-30s and split up with my long-term boyfriend, but now I think I still love him’Opens in new window ]Your mother’s compassion and capacity for love are admirable and this may be part of her legacy to you – can you also express compassion for your father and his family? This means accepting them as they are and not feeling diminished by their conservative views.When you feel strong and assured you may be able to challenge appropriately when the opportunity arises and there will not be a need to pretend or fake who you are. If you demand that your father change, you will meet with resistance and this may shut down any possibility of flexibility. What he might be open to is you developing an increasing honesty with him, where you demonstrate compassionate connection with him, while gently challenging any prejudicial views that are expressed.It is entirely possible to love someone and hold different views from them – the discussions then can be had without any fear that one side will cut the other off. Strangely, this is the road to evolution and development.In any conflict, the effective solution is not one side winning, but in both sides stepping off any position of righteousness and being open to the possibility that something new might unfold. The approach requires patience, continuing engagement and a sense of care for the other. You are right that a lot is sacrificed for the sake of peace and harmony, but this is only a short-term solution and ultimately does not satisfy.In this situation, your father does not get to know his son, you feel unappreciated by your father and the relationship is defined by fear and pretence. This is a high price for peace. If we are unheard our sense of self diminishes and the resultant invisibility leaves us struggling for validation. Have faith in who you are, express it honestly without needing it to be immediately understood and always hold compassion for those you love. If you can see potential in them, there is some chance they will rise to your estimation.[ ‘I discovered the affair when a text came in on my husband’s phone’Opens in new window ]Ultimately you are not responsible for others’ development, only for your own. Your job is to enjoy your life, to live by your principles and to understand that while you can influence others, you cannot make others change.Indeed, by fully being yourself, you may allow others to risk stretching themselves a little and thus be a catalyst for evolution.To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com