Clinical psychologist Dr. Itamar Cohen was exposed to British kink culture through patients he treated in London, fell in love with it and began exploring himself and his relationship; he says kink can allow people to revisit unresolved childhood experiences, but stresses it can never replace therapyLori Stadtmauer|“Kink is a Dutch word that means a certain kind of friction or roughness. In other words, kink is a kind of friction, something rough that doesn’t go down smoothly,” says Dr. Itamar Cohen, a clinical psychologist and lecturer who has spent the past year touring with a popular talk titled “The Psychology of Kink.”So how can a person know what their kink is?
“If we look at sex as an internal theater, then we need to search for where our internal friction lies,” he says. “In other words, where in our story there is some kind of psychological friction that, if we press the gas there, could become something kinky.2 View gallery BDSM, part of the world of kink, always involves clear rules and ongoing consent (Photo: Shutterstock)“For example, if I ask you what the most vanilla position is, you’ll say missionary. But for a person who is frightened or deterred by intimacy, someone for whom intimacy triggers an element of anxiety, missionary might actually create the most friction. It’s not for nothing that studies show people with avoidant attachment tend to prefer doggy style.”Cohen cites The Erotic Mind, the influential book by Dr. Jack Morin, which argues that many kinks, though not all, are rooted in emotionally intense experiences from childhood or early adulthood.“Emotions we experience in the present, such as shame, guilt, fear, but also elation, which is a positive emotion, are intense emotions,” he says. “They are often linked to formative experiences from childhood. We remember those experiences well because a lot of dopamine was released at the time, and dopamine helps create strong memories.“If I feel shame and guilt about a specific attraction, it may be that the source of that feeling is some very intense arousal I experienced at a young age. Kink is a unique way of touching those feelings. As an adult who can now set boundaries, kink allows me to visit that healthy anxiety, which can be understood as my erotic story.”What does he mean by “healthy anxiety”?
