Dr. Ariel Cohen-Arkin identifies types of sex, from passionate and intimate to release-oriented and compensatory; He says the most fulfilling experiences combine desire, trust and emotional closeness, while open communication helps couples better express their needsDr. Ariel Cohen-Arkin is a certified sexologist and couples and family therapist. He heads the Center for Sexual Health at Sheba Medical Center in Tel Hashomer and is a lecturer and researcher. He is in a relationship, a father of two and lives in Ness Ziona.Dr. Cohen-Arkin, you distinguish between several types of sex. What characterizes each type?2 View gallery Dr. Ariel Cohen-Arkin is a certified sexologist and couples and family therapist (Photo: Noi Arkobi)"The most well-known is passionate sex. This kind of sex causes the brain to release endorphins and dopamine and is based on excitement and a sense of vitality. It's the kind of sex that turns us on and draws us in, making us feel desired."Then there's intimate sex, in which we mainly release oxytocin. It is based on closeness, trust and deep emotional connection. It creates feelings of security, calm and emotional and physical merging — a sense of being 'one body.' In everyday language, people sometimes call it 'making love.'"Passionate and intimate sex are the two main types that generate pleasure. On the other hand, there is release-oriented sex, whose primary purpose is physical release and gratification without deep emotional involvement. It can be enjoyable, but the experience is usually brief and focused on the moment."What other types are there?"There is also ecstatic sex — a unique combination of passionate and intimate sex. It is a state in which excitement, playfulness and attraction exist alongside security, love and emotional merging. For many people, it is the most powerful and pleasurable sexual experience of all. The amount of chemicals released by the brain is so high that it creates a feeling of transcendence and ecstasy."One couple in my clinic described it this way: 'It feels like we're connected on such a deep level that there's no outside world. It's just the two of us, and we no longer know who is who.'"Another type is 'vanilla' sex. This refers to familiar, routine sex that follows a fixed and predictable pattern. Vanilla sex is meant to maintain a couple's routine in the most familiar and seemingly safest way. Over time, many couples feel it becomes technical and less vibrant and exciting, and sometimes it may even feel like a relationship task that needs to be completed."The final type is compensatory sex — a situation in which sex becomes a way to cope with loneliness, emptiness, stress or a need for self-validation. It can provide temporary relief, but it does not always create a lasting sense of fulfillment."When does sex become ecstatic? What needs to happen for us to experience that kind of sex?"Ecstatic sex emerges when people succeed in combining passionate and intimate sex, two types that are sometimes seen as almost contradictory. On one hand, there is mystery, excitement and playfulness. On the other, there is security, closeness and trust. That's exactly why the experience is uncommon. In fact, it's not an easy challenge: the more deeply we know someone and the safer we feel with them, the harder it can be to maintain playfulness and curiosity."Couples who experience ecstatic sex are usually those who manage to cultivate both deep intimacy and a lively, playful energy within the relationship."2 View gallery 'Couples who experience ecstatic sex are usually those who manage to cultivate both deep intimacy and a lively, playful energy within the relationship' (Photo: Shuuterstock)You mentioned release-oriented sex. Is it necessarily less positive to have sex simply to reach orgasm?"We all experience this type of sex from time to time, and it's not necessarily a negative thing. Sometimes the body is simply seeking release, relaxation or a moment of quick pleasure. The problem begins when it becomes the only or dominant type of sex in the relationship. In that situation, sexuality may start to feel flat and mechanical, without the emotional richness, closeness and deep pleasure that sex can create."When does sex become 'compensatory,' meaning a form of compensation for an emotional void?"When it stops expressing desire, connection or enjoyment and instead becomes a way to soothe inner pain and feelings such as rejection, shame and emptiness. At that point, sex can indeed provide relief, but the feeling tends to fade quickly, and sometimes it even leaves behind a greater sense of emptiness."How can we identify what type of sex we're having and what suits us best?"There is no single type of sex that suits us at all times and in every situation. Healthy sexuality is dynamic and flexible — it changes according to our emotional and physical needs. There are days when we seek excitement, playfulness and a sense of vitality, and there are days when we want closeness, security and tenderness. That flexibility is precisely what allows sexual development over the years."How can couples communicate the type of sex they want?"Most couples talk very little about the experience they want to feel during sex and much more about frequency or technique. But good sexuality actually begins with a conversation about needs and emotions. Instead of saying, 'I want sex,' I recommend talking about the experience itself: 'I want to feel you close to me,' 'I feel like letting loose tonight,' 'I want something soft and intimate,' or 'I want to feel desired.'"When couples speak in the language of emotions and needs rather than performance, it's much easier to understand one another and avoid misunderstandings and feelings of rejection."Sex Tip: After sex, try asking: "How did you feel?"