There is a stage of life that catches many people by surprise. Usually in your 40s or 50s, you realise you are supporting three generations simultaneously. Your children still need you, your parents are starting to need more help and retirement, which once seemed a long way off, is now close enough to make you pay attention. This is the Sandwich Generation, one of the most financially difficult periods of your life. The problem is not only how much everything costs, but that the costs arrive at the same time. School fees, university, ageing parents, medical expenses and retirement savings all come from the same income. This is often when your income is at its highest, but the time left to build your retirement savings is getting shorter. In South Africa the pressure is greater. Healthcare is expensive, frail care costs a huge amount and university fees keep rising. Many families also support parents, siblings or other relatives, and these responsibilities are often not part of the financial plan. So, people make compromises: they reduce retirement contributions to pay school fees, they use savings to help a parent, and when the pressure builds they take money from their retirement savings. Each decision makes sense at the time; the problem is that they repeat, until your own retirement is the thing that keeps getting pushed down the list. The conversation with your parents This is often the hardest conversation to have. For most of your life your parents looked after you. At some point that changes, and you need to understand their finances and what happens if they can no longer look after themselves. Most families only have it when something goes wrong, but it is far better to know beforehand. What income do your parents have, and how long will it last? What does their medical aid cover? What happens if one of them needs frail care? Do they have a valid will, and where is it kept? Do they expect you to help them financially? There is also a legal issue many South African families do not understand. A general power of attorney stops working once someone loses the mental capacity to make decisions. If a parent develops dementia, the family cannot rely on an old power of attorney to manage their affairs. None of this is easy, but it is far easier around a table while everyone is healthy than in a crisis. The conversation with your children This conversation is different, but equally important. The biggest mistake is being unclear about what you can afford. Children need to know what you will pay for and what you will not. If they understand the limits they make better decisions about university, where they live and whether they work part-time. Your children should also not have to fund your retirement. Sacrificing too much of it to give them everything they want now simply creates a financial problem for them later. Making the difficult choices There is no perfect solution here; you probably cannot pay for everything, help everyone and still save enough for retirement. The answer is not to pretend that you can but to decide what matters most. Keep money available for unexpected expenses. Be honest with your parents about what you can afford and clear with your children about what they can expect. And do not treat your retirement savings as the first place you go when another problem appears. The Sandwich Generation is difficult because the people on both sides of you matter, and saying no is never easy. But good financial planning is not about finding a way to pay for everything. It is about having the difficult conversations early, understanding what you can afford, and deciding what you are willing to sacrifice before a crisis decides for you. • Marrian is director at independent wealth management firm InvestSense.Business Day