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Maybe I'm not the marrying kind? | Ask RebeccaDon't wait for some magical moment. If you’re choosing someone for life, the right thing to do is make damn sure you like him tooLast updated 17 hours ago Rebecca Eckler offers readers' advice about life's messy twists. Photo by Courtesy of Rebecca EcklerWe independently select everything we recommend. Buying through us may earn us a commission, which supports our work.Ask Rebecca is smart, honest advice to readers’ questions about life, family and relationships by columnist Rebecca Eckler. Got a question for Rebecca? Submit it anonymously on the form here. You can also send an email to NPadvice@postmedia.com.Enjoy the latest local, national and international news.Exclusive articles by Conrad Black, Barbara Kay and others. 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Plus, special edition NP Platformed and First Reading newsletters and virtual events.Unlimited online access to National Post.National Post ePaper, an electronic replica of the print edition to view on any device, share and comment on.Daily puzzles including the New York Times Crossword.Support local journalism.Create an account or sign in to continue with your reading experience.Access articles from across Canada with one account.Share your thoughts and join the conversation in the comments.Enjoy additional articles per month.Get email updates from your favourite authors.Create an account or sign in to continue with your reading experience.Access articles from across Canada with one accountShare your thoughts and join the conversation in the commentsEnjoy additional articles per monthGet email updates from your favourite authorsSign In or Create an AccountorI’m in my mid-40s and I’ve been engaged twice but never married. For a long time, I thought I just wasn’t the marrying kind. Maybe I’m not. But the truth is, I do want to get married and settle down.Some people blame me for the fact that neither engagement worked out. They think I’m too picky or afraid of commitment. After two failed engagements, sometimes I wonder if they’re right. I also wasn’t raised to see marriage as this great thing everyone should want. I never really saw the benefits of it or had a good example of what a happy marriage looks like.I thought I was in love with both of my former fiancés. I said yes to marrying them. But obviously something made me change my mind. People always say, “When you know, you know.” Well, I thought I knew — twice. I have no problem meeting people, and I don’t want to keep walking away from good men because I’m waiting for some huge feeling that may never come. But I also don’t want to marry someone just because I’m in my 40s and feel like I should.So, how do you actually know when you’re in love enough to settle down with someone? You found love later in life — do you really just know? Or is the problem me? — How Do You Know?I didn’t know there was a “marrying kind.” Is there a questionnaire? With a section asking whether you can spend the next 40 years arguing over the room temperature?You want to get married. That makes you the marrying kind. You just haven’t married anyone yet.I recently read that more than nine million Americans have been married at least three times. Three! More than a quarter of coupled Canadians between 35 and 64 are in subsequent marriages or common-law relationships. So, millions are allowed multiple attempts at finding their person. Yet, a woman in her 40s who has never been married is treated as if that is a personality trait.People are idiots. I happen to believe there is someone for everyone. I also don’t believe you just get one shot.I believe there are people who fit us in a way other people don’t. Some people meet their forever person in high school. Some meet them at 43. Some marry the wrong person at 23 and meet the right one at 53.I was 49 when I married after a rather impressive run of relationships suggesting I absolutely should never get married. Like you, I wondered whether I lacked whatever internal wiring makes people want to get married.I didn’t need my husband to complete me. I was already a complete pain in the ass before him. I can live without him. I just don’t want to. This is what happens when you truly are “in like,” which is as swoon-worthy as love.What changed when I met him wasn’t that I felt a kind of love I’d never felt. I’d been in love before. What I finally understood was how much I liked the person I loved.The right thing to do is start paying more attention to whether you like the men you date. Do you make each other laugh when nothing particularly funny is happening? Can you be bored together without one of you Googling “signs your relationship is over”?I hate to complicate things when I was doing so well, but maybe you have become too picky. It happens. As we get older, our list of non-negotiables gets longer while, inconveniently, the dating pool does not get deeper.I know women who won’t go on a second date because a man wore the wrong shoes or used too many exclamation marks in a text. These are not red flags! There are standards, and then there’s eliminating an otherwise perfectly good man because you don’t like his socks.Try the three-date rule. On the first date, his laugh may be louder than you’d prefer. But by the third date, you may discover he is funny, kind, and you feel completely comfortable around him. You may even find yourself looking forward to seeing him again.You say you weren’t raised to see the benefits of marriage. I wouldn’t ignore that. If the marriage you grew up watching looked unhappy, lonely or obligatory, why would marriage seem like a fabulous idea to you? You may discover you’re not afraid of commitment at all. You may be afraid of the version of marriage you thought was normal growing up.Don’t wait for whatever magical moment people are referring to when they say, “When you know, you know.” Instead, ask yourself: Do I respect him, trust him, and enjoy his company? And, do I like him?Last night, I looked across the room at my husband who I love, eating cereal straight from the box in his sweatpants, and was reminded again that I really like the guy.Keep looking for love, but if you’re choosing someone for life, I’d make damn sure you like him too.Love RebeccaRebecca Eckler is an internationally bestselling author, founder of re:books publishing, Rivkah Books, and co-founder of CANREADS. She’s a professional oversharer and observer of human behaviour, and has spent decades writing about life’s messy twists. 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