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It was amicable, except for this: Who gets the ring? | Ask RebeccaA diamond may be a girl’s best friend, yet it can’t tell you the right thing to do. But I can: Keep itLast updated 5 minutes ago Rebecca Eckler offers readers' advice about life's messy twists. Photo by Courtesy of Rebecca EcklerWe independently select everything we recommend. Buying through us may earn us a commission, which supports our work.Ask Rebecca is smart, honest advice to readers’ questions about life, family and relationships by columnist Rebecca Eckler. Got a question for Rebecca? Submit it anonymously on the form here. You can also send an email to NPadvice@postmedia.com.Enjoy the latest local, national and international news.Exclusive articles by Conrad Black, Barbara Kay and others. 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Plus, special edition NP Platformed and First Reading newsletters and virtual events.Unlimited online access to National Post.National Post ePaper, an electronic replica of the print edition to view on any device, share and comment on.Daily puzzles including the New York Times Crossword.Support local journalism.Create an account or sign in to continue with your reading experience.Access articles from across Canada with one account.Share your thoughts and join the conversation in the comments.Enjoy additional articles per month.Get email updates from your favourite authors.Create an account or sign in to continue with your reading experience.Access articles from across Canada with one accountShare your thoughts and join the conversation in the commentsEnjoy additional articles per monthGet email updates from your favourite authorsSign In or Create an AccountorI got engaged last year after being with my boyfriend for almost five years. We were thrilled, our families were thrilled, and we started planning the wedding.Then, about a month ago, we called it off. There was no cheating or a huge dramatic event. As the wedding date got closer, we both started having doubts. After a lot of conversations, we admitted that while we loved each other, we weren’t sure we should spend the rest of our lives together. Basically, we didn’t share the same vision for our future together.So, we mutually ended the engagement. It was incredibly sad, and I’m heartbroken, but it was surprisingly amicable. Except for one thing: the engagement ring.He paid for it and thinks I should give it back because it was given with the expectation that we’d get married. I understand his point, but he chose it specifically for me, with my help, and I wore it every day for almost a year and consider it a gift. I feel I’m not ready to give something back that meant so much to me.My mother says to give it back and doesn’t understand why I want to hold onto it if I’m not going to wear it. My best friends say a gift is a gift. Another friend says we should sell it and split the money, but that feels like an even worse idea and makes me incredibly sad.We managed to agree not to get married. How is deciding who gets the ring harder?What’s your advice when an engagement ends mutually? Does the ring belong to the person who bought it or the person it was given to? — Are Diamonds Forever?First, congratulations. I realize that is an extremely odd thing to say to someone who just called off her wedding, but I mean it. You both figured out that love and compatibility aren’t always the same. Painful? Absolutely. But far less painful than realizing it after you’ve said “I do.”Now we have the diamond engagement ring issue.The breakup was mutual. You had honest conversations and ended your engagement with kindness. And yet, the biggest conflict in your breakup involves a small piece of jewelry.I’m not sure when an engagement ring goes from being a romantic gift to disputed property, but apparently, it’s somewhere between cancelling the caterer and telling your relatives the wedding is off.A diamond may be a girl’s best friend, yet it can’t tell you the right thing to do. But I can.Keep it.Engagement rings are strange little things, aren’t they? They’re gifts, status symbols, sometimes family heirlooms or a large financial asset — all sitting on one finger. We attach love, tradition and “forever” to them. That is, until forever gets cancelled.The fact that everyone has a different opinion should reassure you there isn’t a universally accepted rule for what happens to an engagement ring after a mutually agreed-upon breakup.I hate to break it to you, and everyone around you, but there isn’t an award for Most Gracious Ex-Fiancée. I checked. Returning it doesn’t make you kinder or classier. Keeping it doesn’t make you greedy or vindictive. You don’t get relationship karma points for returning an engagement ring. You won’t even get a Thank You card.The issue isn’t the ring. Women are far more likely to torture themselves over whether they deserve to keep something that was freely given. Note the word “freely.” Yes, I know, this is a sweeping generalization. But I’ve kept two engagement rings, so I think I’ve earned an opinion.How many men spend sleepless nights spiraling over whether they’re morally obligated to return a gift after a breakup or whether keeping it makes them the bigger person?The ring is symbolic to you. It isn’t a downpayment on a marriage. It’s a physical reminder of a relationship that mattered, even if that relationship doesn’t last forever.As you pointed out, engagement rings are no longer always chosen by one nervous man alone in a jewelry store. Many couples choose them together. If you helped pick the diamond, approved the setting and effectively designed it, that’s another reason it was intended specifically for you.The right thing to do, aside from keeping it, is to stop looking at the ring as a possession to be kept, returned, divided or thrown into the ocean or toilet.Look at what it represents to you. You spent five years together. Five! We keep souvenirs from vacations that last a week. Not every love story needs to make it to the altar to be a love story.It doesn’t sound like this ring is his grandmother’s heirloom, passed down through his family for generations. If it were, I’d probably have a different answer.Ask him why he wants it back. Is it about money, principle, closure or simply because he believes that’s what should happen? And tell him the truth: You’re emotionally attached to it, and returning it feels like erasing the relationship, one that wasn’t a mistake because the marriage part didn’t happen.Put it away for now. Give yourself some time. A year from now you may wear it, return it, sell it, redesign it or leave it sitting in a drawer. But make that decision when the ring no longer feels emotionally loaded.And definitely don’t give it back because you’ve been convinced that’s what a “bigger” person would do.If your ex can accept that you aren’t getting married, I think he’ll eventually accept that the diamond isn’t coming back either.Love RebeccaRebecca Eckler is an internationally bestselling author, founder of re:books publishing, Rivkah Books, and co-founder of CANREADS. She’s a professional oversharer and observer of human behaviour, and has spent decades writing about life’s messy twists. She has no formal qualifications for this, other than a lifetime of questionable decisions and excellent stories.Have a question for Rebecca? Email NPadvice@postmedia.com or send your question anonymously by clicking here. 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