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Twice. I know how this feels. The right thing to do is tell them what they need to know, but not every painful detailLast updated 30 minutes ago You can save this article by registering for free here. Or sign-in if you have an account.Rebecca Eckler answers readers questions.Ask Rebecca is smart, honest advice to readers’ questions about life, family and relationships by columnist Rebecca Eckler. Got a question for Rebecca? Submit it anonymously on the form here. You can also send an email to NPadvice@postmedia.com.Enjoy the latest local, national and international news.Exclusive articles by Conrad Black, Barbara Kay and others. Plus, special edition NP Platformed and First Reading newsletters and virtual events.Unlimited online access to National Post.National Post ePaper, an electronic replica of the print edition to view on any device, share and comment on.Daily puzzles including the New York Times Crossword.Support local journalism.Enjoy the latest local, national and international news.Exclusive articles by Conrad Black, Barbara Kay and others. Plus, special edition NP Platformed and First Reading newsletters and virtual events.Unlimited online access to National Post.National Post ePaper, an electronic replica of the print edition to view on any device, share and comment on.Daily puzzles including the New York Times Crossword.Support local journalism.Create an account or sign in to continue with your reading experience.Access articles from across Canada with one account.Share your thoughts and join the conversation in the comments.Enjoy additional articles per month.Get email updates from your favourite authors.Create an account or sign in to continue with your reading experience.Access articles from across Canada with one accountShare your thoughts and join the conversation in the commentsEnjoy additional articles per monthGet email updates from your favourite authorsSign In or Create an AccountorAfter almost 20 years of marriage, my husband and I are getting divorced. I don’t want to get into exactly what happened because it’s deeply personal, but I will say this was my decision.I found out he did something that shattered my trust and broke my heart. Once I knew the truth, I realized I could never look at him the same way again. After years of feeling unhappy and betrayed, I’ve reached the point where I know I can’t forgive him. As painful as this is, my decision is final.The part I’m struggling with now is telling my parents. I’m 50 years old and have three teenagers, but I still dread having this conversation with them.My parents are elderly, very traditional, and have been married for more than 60 years. To them, marriage is forever. I know this news will break their hearts. They’ll also worry about what their friends and our extended family will think. That’s just how they were raised.I know divorce isn’t unusual, but that won’t make this any easier for my parents to accept. I’m afraid they’ll feel our family has failed and that I’ve failed as a wife and mother.What I can’t decide is how much I should tell them. Part of me wants to explain what happened so they’ll understand why I’ve made this decision. The other part of me doesn’t want to burden them with details they can’t unhear or change how they see my husband, who they love.How much do parents really need to know about their adult child’s divorce? Is it enough to simply tell them our marriage is over or should I tell them the truth about what led to it? I know this conversation is going to break their hearts no matter what I say. — Dreading the ConversationI don’t like throwing out the word “expert,” but I’ve been divorced. Twice. I’m either wildly unqualified to give marriage advice or exceptionally qualified to give divorce advice. Let’s go with the latter.Not only did I get divorced twice, but I also monetized them. I wrote books about the demise of my marriages! Apparently, I had no problem telling thousands of complete strangers intimate details of my marital breakdowns. My parents? Well, I suddenly wanted to become the most private person on Earth. I know how it feels to be a grown woman dreading telling traditional parents your marriage is over.What’s interesting, and telling, is that my parents have never once mentioned anything I wrote about either divorce. I don’t think it’s because they didn’t care. I think some truths are simply too painful, or too uncomfortable, for certain generations to discuss.First, give yourself credit for something that may not feel obvious now. You’ve already done the hardest part. After years of disappointment, thinking, rethinking, you’ve made a painful decision. I’m assuming your three children know and you found the courage to tell the people whose lives will change the most. Compared to that, telling your traditional elderly parents is really just another conversation — not the biggest one.Dreading telling your parents the most tells me this is less about the divorce than it is about fearing disappointing Mom and Dad. Funny that you can have a mortgage, teenagers and a divorce lawyer, yet no matter how old we are, telling parents something you know they won’t want to hear can make you feel like you’re about to get grounded from a house you haven’t lived in for 30 years. Some things, like anxiety of letting our parents down, never change.I’d love to tell you exactly how I broke the news. But my brain seems to have hit “delete,” which should tell you everything you need to know about how much I enjoyed those “dreaded” conversations. You’re asking how to tell them, but you’re also asking how to make sure you aren’t letting them down. You can’t. No perfect combination of words is going to make two people who don’t believe in divorce and have been married for six decades say, “Divorce? Fantastic idea!”Parents have astonishing memories. They remember your Grade Two report card, and the name of your piano teacher when you were eight. So, think very carefully before giving them details they’ll never be able to un-remember.Tell them what they need to know, not everything you know. The right thing to do is say something like, “There were major issues in our marriage. I spent a really long time trying to work it out, but I have reached the point where I know our marriage is over. Please understand this wasn’t a decision made lightly or quickly.”Sharing every painful detail may help your parents understand, but it could and probably will permanently alter their relationship with the father of their grandchildren, even if the divorce is best for everyone. Believe me, there will be graduations, birthdays and about 3,000 other family occasions where everyone needs to congregate and make it to dessert.Give your parents a minute to absorb that the marriage they assumed would last forever is over. They may be shocked. They may worry about the children. They may ask if you should try one more time. They may even remind you that “marriage is forever.” Let them react. But remember, their initial reaction is also unlikely to be their final reaction.Keep reminding yourself that staying in a marriage that left you deeply unhappy isn’t a lesson most parents, including yours, would actually want their children and grandchildren to learn. Your parents are allowed to be upset. You’re allowed to get divorced.They will eventually wrap their heads around it. Trust me.For what it’s worth, I think you’ll be just fine. And at least you only have to tell them about one divorce.Love RebeccaRebecca Eckler is an internationally bestselling author, founder of re:books publishing, Rivkah Books, and co-founder of CANREADS. She’s a professional oversharer and observer of human behaviour, and has spent decades writing about life’s messy twists. Have a question for Rebecca? Email NPadvice@postmedia.com or send your question anonymously by clicking here.Our website is the place for the latest breaking news, exclusive scoops, longreads and provocative commentary. Please bookmark nationalpost.com and sign up for our daily newsletter, Posted, here. Join the Conversation This website uses cookies to personalize your content (including ads), and allows us to analyze our traffic. Read more about cookies here. By continuing to use our site, you agree to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.