When I found out I was pregnant, I brought one question to therapy: How do I preserve my mental health? I prepared for nine months, but postpartum anxiety, depression, rage and OCD tendencies shadowed my experience anyway.I am not an outlier.Maternal mental health disorders are the leading complication of childbirth, affecting 20% of U.S. women, and 62% of mothers report feeling judged or treated unfairly during the perinatal period.“Nobody tells a woman with preeclampsia to relax and enjoy the bumpy ride of parenthood; we treat it like the medical condition it is,” said Dr. Sarah Oreck, a reproductive psychiatrist and founder of Mavida Health. “Perinatal mental health should be treated exactly the same.”Perhaps this is why the Lindsay Clancy trial is resonating with many mothers. We see ourselves in the brain fog, the grueling desire to be a good mom, the shame around feeding — and in the loneliness of being dismissed or unseen by those meant to make us feel safe.One mom told me that when her son came home after 81 days in the NICU, a friend greeted her with: “You’ve been hogging him this whole time.” She said, “I wish they had thought a little bit longer before they spoke.”Society teaches mothers to answer “How are you?” with whatever the other person can handle. So when a mom is quiet, it doesn’t mean she’s fine. As her village, we can give her space to be honest and think before we speak, whether she’s said she’s struggling or not.Below are some common phrases you should think twice about before saying them to a parent of a baby.1. ‘Sleep when the baby sleeps.’“Even well-intended, it gives an implicit message around what a good mom … would be able to do naturally. So if you don’t find that easy … there must be something wrong with you,” said Chelsea Solorzano, a licensed marriage and family therapist certified in perinatal mental health.Instead: Solorzano recommends asking, “What’s the longest chunk of sleep you’re getting, mama?” If the answer is grim, say: “I have some free time. Could I come give you a nap? Here are some options. What works best?”2. ‘Just wait until … the four-month sleep regression, teething …’“New moms hear enough about what’s going to get harder. Tell them what they get to look forward to,” said Kimberly Meehan, a private practice owner in New York City and the person behind the “This is Motherhood” Substack and social media accounts.Instead: Keep the “just wait” but flip it, Meehan suggested. “Just wait until … you see them take their first steps, they curl their hands around your finger, they say mama for the first time.”3. “Enjoy every moment.”Oreck emphasized that this phrase forces those who are “sleep-deprived, hormonally in free fall, and recovering from childbirth or surgery to perform gratitude through a really stressful transition.”Instead: Meehan suggested saying, “You can love this and still find parts of it really hard.” You can even go further and “tell her you see how much she is giving, learning, growing. Sometimes a mom needs to hear that she is doing a good job, too.”4. “At least the baby is healthy.”One mother told me she heard “at least the birth went well” after hemorrhaging post-C-section.Julia Alzoubaidi, a licensed psychologist and postpartum psychosis program manager at Postpartum Support International, warned against “assuring the mother that she has a healthy baby, and using that to dismiss her concerns. … It is important to validate a new mother’s feelings and assure her that there is help.”“A healthy baby does not cancel out a traumatic birth, postpartum depression, anxiety, a NICU stay, grief, pain or the feeling that you do not recognize yourself anymore,” Meehan added.Instead: Oreck recommends asking, “How are you actually doing? Not the version you tell everyone else.”5. “When are they getting a sibling?”Oreck explained, “You don’t actually know what it took to get this baby, what her body just went through, or whether she and her partner have even talked about a second one. It’s not small talk to her, even when it’s small talk to you.”Instead: Ask “How are you all doing as a family of [however many]?”Abraham Gonzalez Fernandez via Getty Images“Postpartum goes on for months and, in many ways, years,” said Kimberly Meehan. “Check on the mom at six days. But check on her at six months, too.”6. “Breast is best!”A friend who lost pints of blood delivering her daughter remembers “breast is best” being pushed before she could even sit up.Solorzano said that a common suggestion postpartum is, “Oh, your baby’s having a hard time feeding, you just need to triple feed ... the message is … there are no other options.”Instead: Solorzano recommends saying, “Do you want your milk involved in some way? If so, what are some different options we have?” and getting them support.7. “Let me know if you need anything.”Perhaps the most-used statement when supporting postpartum parents isn’t, in fact, all that supportive.Offers like this “don’t actually do much to alleviate mama’s mental load,” Solorzano said.“A postpartum mom who is overwhelmed probably does not have the bandwidth to identify what she needs, decide who to ask and then risk feeling like a burden. Make the help specific,” Meehan suggested.Instead: “I’m bringing dinner Thursday. Do you want pasta or tacos?”When is it about the words, and when does someone need emergency support?Sometimes, mothers need more than supportive words. “Postpartum psychosis is different because it involves a break from reality,” Alzoubaidi said.Warning signs include not sleeping despite exhaustion, rapid mood swings, confusion, suspiciousness, unusual energy or beliefs disconnected from reality.Aaisha Alvi, author of “A Mom Like That: A Memoir of Postpartum Psychosis,” survived two episodes and was dismissed by five providers before she was treated. Speaking at a recent webinar on postpartum psychosis, she said the thing loved ones can catch is behavior: “Never ignore bizarre behavior in the postpartum period. It may be the only symptom of postpartum psychosis you see.”“It is not the job of loved ones to determine the underlying diagnosis,” Alzoubaidi said. If something sounds off, ask, “Can you tell me what you mean?” If they say something out of the ordinary, treat it as the emergency it is. “Recognizing the warning signs can truly change outcomes.”Support starts with the village, and every sentence matters.Above all, what many don’t realize unless they are mothers is that “postpartum goes on for months and, in many ways, years,” Meehan said. “Check on the mom at six days. But check on her at six months, too.”And watch out for the whole village, as “partners can experience [postpartum anxiety and depression] too,” Oreck noted.If you love a postpartum parent who is struggling, you don’t have to solve how they’re feeling. Check in, listen, and keep showing up with thoughtful words, support (and hopefully a few dinners), sharing what Alzoubaidi wants every struggling parent to hear: “You are not alone. … Asking for help is a sign of strength, not failure.”If you or someone you love is struggling, call or text the Postpartum Support International helpline at 1-800-944-4773, or call the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline at 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262). If you’re in crisis, call or text 988. If you suspect postpartum psychosis, treat it as a medical emergency — PSI’s postpartum psychosis resources are here. No diagnosis is needed to get help.