QuestionI joined my workplace about 10 years ago and was lucky to have a number of other people join with me. We all connected really well and socialised and grew together in the same field of work. I felt hugely happy and thought this would last forever.However, over time some of my colleagues have left due to spouses moving to different countries and some have moved on to slightly different careers, but three of us have stayed solid in our positions and I very much enjoyed turning up for work.All this has changed in the last couple of months.One of my colleagues got headhunted by an associate business. We, the other two, were delighted for her and promised to stay in close contact, but then my only surviving colleague got a promotion and now she is my boss. I thought I could handle this and have tried to show my support but, honestly, I don’t know why she was promoted and not me. I can see now that she was inveigling herself into confidential chats with the higher-ups and then slagging them behind their backs.I feel really betrayed and belittled. I have pretended everything is okay and, although she reassured me our friendship would go on as before, she has wriggled out of any social contact with me. She acts as if she now knows more than me and as if I am a bit stupid. I can barely sleep at night and the effort it takes to get through each day is exhausting, as I fake being totally okay.What can I do? I feel as if I have lost everything in one go and I also feel foolish for not having seen her deception.AnswerNow is the time to focus totally on yourself – on your career trajectory, your development as a person and on what your goals are for a happy life. Pretending to be content is no substitute for happiness and being validated and recognised at work is one of our biggest affirmations of worth.It is not the whole story, of course, and our self-worth can come from many sources (spiritual, relationships, community, etc.) but at this particular moment, work is where yours is situated. Feeling left behind can be damaging and it can hinder any energy or motivation for change so steady, incremental steps are needed. Can you meet those ex-colleagues who have moved on from your workplace and inquire about how they made the changes and what the steps were in their journeys?Meeting a career coach could help you expand your prospects and challenge your sense of stuckness. Sometimes, inertia is created by having no need for change of direction, so this shock might be exactly what you need to get you to re-evaluate your career and your value to a company or business. You may need to undertake a course or take a career break in order to offer you some alternative thinking time and to create a break in the current boss relationship with your friend.This is, of course, dependent on finances but often discussing options gives you some sense of what is possible, and you really need to see some opportunities right now. It might also be that your workplace think that you are not ambitious and so have not thought of stretching you to consider promotion. A conversation with HR might open this up for you and make staying more tolerable. Having a boss who was a former friend is hard to negotiate and lots of adjustments are needed on both sides to make this work. Your boss may well also be struggling with this new situation, so you might give her time to adapt and, indeed, she might be helpful to you in your career development.However, there is the loss of friendship and social circle to consider, and this is hurtful and can dent your confidence. You also sound as though you are questioning your judgment, and this too can be painful. While determining to seek all the avenues for career development/change, you might need support and approval from family and other friends.Everyone has some understanding of what it feels like to be overlooked so the support of others can be very real and important at a time like this – it actually draws you closer to those people you trust. When we have the safety of knowing we are loved fully for who we are, we can take the risk of demanding more from the world and the setbacks are not so detrimental.Feeling resentful and angry may be a very natural response but ultimately it will block you from seeing any opportunity in this situation, so gather yourself, surround yourself with people who care about you and reach out for professional support to facilitate development and change.To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com