Doing nothing if you get promoted over a colleague increases the likelihood of them leaving and you losing a valued team memberThe nature of workplace friendships changes when a colleague is promoted to become your boss. Photograph: iStock Thu Jun 25 2026 - 09:01 • 5 MIN READ“Be nice to people on your way up the ladder because one day you’ll pass them on the way back down.” This timeless pearl of wisdom was delivered to me by my father when I was starting a short-lived career in investment banking in my early 20s. Dad had moved to New York from Dublin in the 1960s and worked in the mail room at investment bank Lehman Brothers.From there, he worked his way up to become a government bond trader with the legendary Lew Glucksman. During those 30 years, he was up and down the promotional ladder; sometimes he was a friend’s boss and sometimes they were his. Back then, human resource interventions and career development supports were not well realised. All the men tried to take a missed promotion in their stride, and teased one another about it, but there’s no doubt it hurt like mad. Even so, very few left the company, and Dad worked there for most of his career, retiring a decade before its 2008 implosion. Manage the danger zone Today, we’re more aware of the emotional and psychological toll of missing out on a promotion, but strategic support for the unsuccessful candidate can’t just fall to HR. [ A simple ‘thank you’ goes a long way in workOpens in new window ]So, how can you help a colleague or friend get their motivation back if you’re now their boss? You need to accept that the dynamics of the friendship, if there was one, will change. Promotion leads to a shift in workplace friendships, because the balance moves from equal to hierarchical. The relationships that survive are the ones where both people can work towards respecting professional and personal boundaries.‘If you are promoted, in the early days of your new role, don’t impose sweeping changes, just listen. Ask the team – including the colleague who applied for your job – what support they need’Even so, put yourself in the shoes of the other party. Rejection can feel like getting kicked in the stomach. Your colleague might feel humiliated and frustrated. You can, however, help them overcome the disappointment and regain their focus. Don’t assume that the colleague who didn’t get the job will leave. Some will make that choice, but doing nothing only increases the likelihood that you’ll lose a high-performing team member. Research from MIT Sloan analysing 30,000 management-track employees at a large North American retailer found that men passed over for a promotion were 35 to 40 per cent more likely to leave than women colleagues, and that the highest-performing men who were not promoted were 40 to 50 per cent more likely to leave. The danger zone for a resignation is in the months after the decision, so you need to have regular chats. Schedule a check-in a few weeks later, create an opportunity for the affected person to be more visible that quarter, and make sure you recognise them along the way too. A colleague who starts to make themselves invisible has one foot out the door.Make sure there’s transparency from the start. When an employee is informed about a negative promotion outcome, it’s important that HR lets them know why they didn’t get the job. Explaining the specific reasons why the other candidate was chosen, and being honest about what was missing in their own application, maintains trust. If there’s no explanation or an explanation is vague, it corrodes trust and makes the person feel unwanted. Ouch.The bitter pill is easier to swallow though if the promotion process and reasons behind any decision are perceived as being fair. This helps restore the self-esteem of the person who was rejected for the job and increases the likelihood of their being willing to stay. [ How to navigate the workplace relationship minefieldOpens in new window ]Let’s say “Susan” got the promotion because she has stronger communication skills or a better rapport with clients than “John”. This gives John a concrete skills base to work through with a mentor or coach before he applies for the next promotional opportunity.Getting their mojo backThree things drive motivation and personal growth: autonomy, competence and relatedness. A missed promotion bruises all three at once, competence (am I good enough?), autonomy (do I have any say in my career path?) and relatedness (does anyone here actually value me?). Addressing them deliberately works better than a single morale-boosting gesture, according to the self-determination theory developed by psychologists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan.At a practical level, you can help a work colleague to rebuild autonomy by asking them for input into how their work is done, competence through clear feedback and ownership of challenging assignments, and relatedness through psychological safety and mentoring. Clear communication and active listening are key.If you are promoted, in the early days of your new role, don’t impose sweeping changes, just listen. Ask the team – including the colleague who applied for your job – what support they need and give space for them to vent their frustrations, and give suggestions. A bruised ego cannot be healed by just throwing money at it. Research consistently shows that praise from your immediate manager, leadership one-to-ones and the chance to lead projects are as effective or more effective than financial incentives such as cash bonuses, higher pay or stock. A McKinsey’s survey of almost 1,200 employees across 11 countries also found that employees who take part in regular development discussions are far more motivated.To rebuild your colleague’s need for competence and autonomy, try something concrete. After some time has passed, meet to agree on a career-development plan with visible milestones and offer a stretch assignment or the chance to lead a project. ‘Ensure you have a direct one-to-one with them early on, acknowledge the change openly, set clear goals, follow through on recognising the person’s contributions, and treat them the same as everyone else on the team’They’ll likely be feeling a bit unmoored, so this helps create a sense of direction and gives them valuable experience that might help win a role the next time. It also shows them that you are investing in their future at the company rather than showing them the departure lounge.Fairness and trust is everything though when it comes to your interpersonal relationship. Although they may seem angry or passive-aggressive at being passed over, try to be consistently respectful, sincere and attentive in following up and working with them. A one-off conversation when the job promotion is announced and then expecting them to just get over it will not work. Poisoning the wellSometimes, things will not go smoothly. It’s important to look for signs of disengagement or even sabotage: open push-back, passive-aggressiveness like resistant body language or facial expressions, doing the bare minimum, falling performance, or gossiping about you or complaints to HR, colleagues or even your boss.[ Should you promote from within or take a chance on the outside world?Opens in new window ]It’s easy to over-explain or over-apologise to your colleague or friend, but resist taking either approach. Ensure you have a direct one-to-one with them early on, acknowledge the change openly, set clear goals, follow through on recognising the person’s contributions, and treat them the same as everyone else on the team. Over time, consistent fairness reduces resentment more than any amount of reassurance. What you actually say matters too. If the resentment surfaces directly, reframe the role away from the status you’ve gained and towards their own future. Try to show them a different picture from the one of loss that’s likely stuck in their mind, and to see this stage as a new opportunity for them rather than only for you.If you help your colleague to reframe and reverse their perceptions – fairly, specifically and repeatedly – you give them a reason to reinvest.Margaret E Ward is chief executive of Clear Eye, a leadership consultancy. margaret@cleareye.ieIN THIS SECTION