By CAROLINE WEST-MEADS, AGONY AUNT, YOU MAGAZINE Updated: 16:59 BST, 10 July 2026
Dear Caroline,My husband and I both gave up smoking ten years ago. However, he is under a lot of stress at work and has recently started again. I am upset because it is not good for his health (he’s 52) but the worst bit is his attitude. I have insisted he should not smoke in the house. However, although he denies it, when I come home it is obvious that he has been. Now that I don’t smoke, I realise how revolting it smells and often find cigarette butts hidden in the bathroom bin. I am angry that he doesn’t seem to care what I think, but he says he shouldn’t be told not to smoke in his own home.Caroline West-Meads replies: I share your strong feelings about this. No one should have to breathe in someone else’s smoke. I agree that his attitude is concerning. It is not just your husband’s home, it is your home, too. Stress may explain why he has started smoking again, but it does not justify ignoring your wishes or smoking secretly indoors. No one should have to breathe in someone else’s smoke, writes Caroline West-MeadsTalk to him again and explain that, while you understand how stressed he is and would like to help him find ways to manage that, this is also about respect and trust. Lasting relationships depend on both partners feeling heard and being willing to take each other’s needs into account. He sounds dismissive of your concerns, and if this extends to other areas of your marriage, then perhaps he needs to know that it will inevitably create distance between you.Dear Caroline,I am happily married and have a four-year-old daughter who is my world. Recently I got pregnant again and was thrilled – but sadly I had a miscarriage at eight weeks. My husband and I are devastated. I have always wanted a second child but now it is going round and round my head that I may never have one. It is two months since we lost the baby and I know it would be too early to try again, but I don’t know if I even want to. I feel I‘d be too scared that it might happen again. My husband is also worried about this, but I think we would both be incredibly sad if we didn’t have more children. I also have two siblings (who I am close to) so I can’t imagine my daughter not having a brother or sister. This worry is preventing me enjoying time with my daughter. How can I stop being so upset and anxious about trying again?Caroline West-Meads replies: I am sorry that you are finding this unbearable. The feelings of loss with miscarriage can be strong. Two months on is recent and you are still in the grieving stage. Sometimes when a woman has conceived and carried a first baby comparatively easily, a subsequent miscarriage can be unexpected and so the shock hits hard. Wanting another baby desperately while simultaneously feeling terrified at the thought of another pregnancy is complex and you may have lost confidence in your own body. Also, you are perhaps putting pressure on yourself to provide another child for your husband and a sibling for your daughter because of your own happy experience. While sibling relationships can be wonderful, there are also many happy, secure only children. At the moment, though, anxiety is making it hard for you to stay in the present and enjoy your daughter, because your mind keeps racing ahead. Contact CarolineIf you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. So try bringing yourself back from the future. You have had one miscarriage, which sadly is common, but most women who miscarry once go on to have healthy pregnancies. That does not erase the fear, but it may help challenge the catastrophic thoughts that it will inevitably happen again. You do not need to decide now whether to try again. Grief takes its own time. You may also find comfort in speaking to others who understand pregnancy loss. Charity The Miscarriage Association (miscarriageuk.org) offers excellent support for both women and men. The baby loss charity Tommy’s (tommys.org) also has good resources about pregnancy after miscarriage and coping with the anxiety of this.
