Dr. Ruth Oji
Were you taught in primary school to use the magic words? Most people think courtesy means saying “please” and “thank you”, holding doors for others, not interrupting when others speak, remembering the social graces your parents taught you, and the etiquette that makes interactions flow smoothly and signals you were raised right.
Well, that’s not wrong, to say the least. But it misses what courtesy actually does in professional communication. The courtesy that matters—the kind that changes outcomes, builds trust, and makes people want to work with you—has almost nothing to do with politeness. It has everything to do with how you treat another person’s understanding, their time, and their dignity when you communicate. I cannot emphasize this enough, as I’ve watched this play out across every professional context I’ve encountered. The courtesy that matters shows up in events most people don’t even recognize as courtesy at all.
To make the point, I share the following examples. A student sits in office hours, confused about feedback on her paper. She could nod and pretend she understands—that would be polite. Instead, she says, “I’m not clear on what you mean by ‘develop this further.’ Could you show me what that would look like in this specific paragraph?” The professor pauses. Most students don’t ask. They leave confused, then complain the feedback was vague. This student just did something that looks simple but isn’t: she listened to the feedback, identified exactly where her understanding broke down, and asked a question specific enough that the professor could actually answer it.
