Dear Bel,I expect you to make an immediate judgment about this, and I fully understand why. I only ask that you continue to read what I have written and consider a reply that is not immediately critical. I dread you telling me there is something lacking in me because this relationship has taken the place of others.This is the story. After a long illness my father passed away when I was 16. He was in his 50s, but my mother was only 36 years old.We both went through a lot of grief and, as the only child, I felt that burden more than anyone.We were always close but became closer and closer. At the time I had a girlfriend (my first, really) but realised one day that she just did not measure up to my mother.I should explain that my mother is young-looking, slim and super-attractive and (by the way) I am told I am quite good looking as well. She is also an intelligent and loving woman.My father left us well off and I went to university and dated girls, but I had no serious relationships.After my mother recovered from her grief she also saw some men but there was nothing serious. When I returned from university for holidays we continued to spend all our time with one another and now that I have graduated and started a job we have found we don’t want to be with other people. We are the best of friends, and joke that nobody measures up to each other. We have become true soul mates.I know you will say this is unhealthy. I go out to the pub with friends and girls flirt with me, but honestly, I find them dull and – frankly – pretty ordinary compared with my mother.Sometimes one of my mates will quip that my mother is just so gorgeous and ‘hot’ – and I don’t like it at all. I shut down such comments pretty quickly. But the truth is… she is, and it blinds me to other women. I only want to hang out with her.Lots of guys are close to their mothers, aren’t they? I can’t be the only one to be convinced that their mother is the finest, most beautiful woman in the world.Of course, you must know that deep feelings are NOT in any way sexual. How could they be? But do you think this deep love I have for my mother will harm my long-term future?– Alex You have been very honest in writing to me and I applaud you for that. It can’t have been easy, and the fact that you did so surely suggests a deep uneasiness at the strength of your own feelings.You correctly make the point that ‘lots of guys are close to their mothers’ and indeed the mother-son relationship can be a lifelong source of joy, though perhaps with some moments of inevitable disappointment and pain along the way.But of course a poor mother-child relationship (and there are many, as I know from problems sent to this column) can become a ticking time-bomb, causing damage for years, or even a lifetime.So far, so normal. But the whole tone of your email is leading me to a rather different conclusion. It concerns what the Americans have labelled ‘mommy issues’. This is a mother-son relationship unusual in its intensity.Notice that I use the neutral word ‘unusual’ where others might jump in and say ‘abnormal’.For it is one thing to have a terrific mother you love talking to and having a drink with, but quite another to prefer your mother’s company to that of any woman your own age.You describe an understandable set of circumstances when you and your mother were united in grief after the death of your (much older) father.As the only child – and a boy – you would have felt a strong urge to take care of your mother.Therefore it is hardly surprising that this engaged all your emotions, with none left for the teenage girl who was your first love. But after that? Starting to compare your mother to every other female you met throughout your university years and afterwards does start to indicate a love that some might call a fixation. Thought for the day Every time I pass a churchI stop and make a visitSo when I’m carried in feet firstGod will not say, ‘Who is it?’Evelyn Ryan (1913-1998, American jingle and slogan writer) I’d hope that men who adore their mothers would go on to form healthy, ‘normal’ relationships with women.The fact that you have not is – to be blunt – problematic. Which I think you realise.You emphasise the depth of your feelings and describe all your mother’s qualities. The age difference between you is only 20 years, and so I’ll ask a straightforward question: do you love your mother or are you in love with her?Do you shut down your friends’ compliments on her alluring good looks because you find them inappropriate – or is it the case that they shock and annoy you because you feel jealous?I wonder whether your friends have started to wonder whether this mother-love is reaching a stage when it could damage your chance of ever falling in love and starting a family.That last sentence indicates you’ve started to worry. ‘Something lacking’? No – but you do need to add people to your life.I believe you and your mother need to pull away from this emotional dependence on each other and socialise with peers who may – or may not – lead to fun, companionship and (hopefully) love. She may not want to do this, but your mother should push her darling out into the world – for his own good.Mercy for dogs, not dementia patientsDear Bel,I feel I am writing on behalf of many relatives of patients I have met during my husband’s long struggle with vascular dementia. He has spent the past year in NHS care.His condition deteriorates daily – this is due to the illness, not the care he receives. Husbands, wives, sons and daughters – and all close friends and relatives – know this when they visit their loved ones and pray for their release from this terrible situation.My husband is reaching the stage when he soon won’t be able to feed himself. And he was such a strong, independent man.In 2023, he signed a little note for me that his serious wish is to receive no medication and be allowed to die. Now that is what I also wish for him. Seeing him like this is intolerable. Yet because of the law, we have no choice but to tolerate it.There is no way out of this – unless he had been born a dog and that dog would have received compassion and MERCY. Not so for a loved husband aged 91.I beg you, can you print this as a cry for sanity in this world?– AnnaThe issue of assisted dying is one of the most important of our time. As a society, we have been presented with the moral and legislative dilemma several times between 2003 and this year.The Terminally Ill Adults (End of Life) Bill was brought forward in 2024 by MP Kim Leadbeater, passed the House of Commons, but ultimately failed to progress further through the House of Lords.You are not asking me a specific question, but reminding us all of an acutely painful situation – the decline of a loved one into the frightening shadows of dementia.Many readers will identify with your pity, grief and frustration.On April 3, on the Daily Mail’s books pages, I reviewed a book by the brilliant philosopher and writer Dr Kathleen Stock.Called ‘Do Not Go Gentle: The Case Against Assisted Death’, it marshals careful arguments against the choice you – and your husband – wished to make.I began by making it clear that I support the pressure group Dignity in Dying – but I was still very impressed by Dr Stock’s formidable position on the opposing side. Now, in the current issue of the monthly magazine The Critic, writer Dan Hitchens reviews the same book and includes these words: ‘This book has already moved one prominent assisted suicide advocate, Bel Mooney, to abandon her position.’Not so. I wrote, ‘I gladly admit she has all but persuaded me’ – yet that telling phrase ‘all but’ does not indicate abandonment of my views, just further questioning.Continuing to think, I still lean towards physician-assisted suicide.In short, Anna, I am on your side – though I understand all the arguments against the ‘compassion and mercy’ you say is given to a terminally sick or damaged animal.So let this letter and my reply stand as the heartfelt plea for ‘sanity’.I want your letter to act also as a plea for more understanding from a society which all too often turns its back on the ‘ordinary’ pain of people while indulging others when they do not deserve it.This is not the place for my views on our welfare budget – but it is the right place to draw attention to the terrible realities endured by those who live with – and beside – dementia.And finally... advice must be honest to help families When people vehemently disagree with my replies here, it’s often because they view a problem only through the prism of their own experience. That is perfectly natural, if hardly open-minded.It’s natural to draw on what has happened to you – I do it too. But when I am trying to answer a seemingly intractable dilemma, I have to be honest and objective – which doesn’t always involve empathetic ‘stroking’. Contact Bel Bel answers readers' questions on emotional and relationship problems each week. Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. Names are changed to protect identities. Bel reads all letters but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. So I don’t think I was too critical of ‘Victoria’ last week, whose son had ceased contact, but Mrs K’s guns blazed: ‘No mother is perfect (except perhaps you, Ms Mooney?)... Instead of wise guidance from you, you put all the blame on her... I only pray your words do not send her into a spiral of depression.’Ouch. Of course ‘Victoria’ was highly critical of herself – so who knows what really went on in that family? My practical advice was to ask the daughter to be a go-between – and this imperfect but loving mother hopes that will happen.Here’s a sad criticism from Mrs S: ‘I just wish you had urged the son to be more forgiving, tolerant and less judgmental as none of us is perfect. My own family has been ripped apart because my son has decided to drift away...‘So please don’t join in with the blaming, there are literally thousands of us mums out there who have been “cancelled” in this new trend and we are all desperately trying to make sense of an impossible and heart-breaking situation.’I’m so sorry, Mrs S, and you are right about the spread of this awful family problem. I would certainly tell that son he should be more forgiving, but how can I?No ‘blame’ was intended – but thanks for mentioning therapy, which I’ll return to next week.