Psychology says people who seem stoic don’t lack feelings: They just never learned it was safe to show them

It is common to confuse emotional restraint with an outright lack of emotion: The colleague who does not complain, the friend who hides their experiences from others, or even the partner who does not react strongly to any sort of issue may all be regarded as someone who is emotionally stoic, detached, and even difficult to understand.There is another perspective on the matter that can be drawn from psychology. In attachment theory, emotion regulation studies, and even within developmental psychology, a constant pattern may suggest a different interpretation. Those individuals whom one regards as being emotionally detached from the world around them may, in reality, experience things just as deeply as anyone else but have learned that doing so poses various dangers.​Those individuals whom one regards as being emotionally detached from the world around them may, in reality, experience things just as deeply as anyone else but have learned that doing so poses various dangers | Pexels​Stoicism can begin as a form of protectionAttachment theorists have long held that the development of emotional regulation occurs through relationships rather than in isolation. In a recently published review on attachment and emotion regulation in Current Opinion in Psychology, the ways in which secure relationships help in developing flexibility in expressing emotions are explained.On the other hand, an insecure relationship results in deactivating emotion regulation strategies, such as distancing, suppression, and denial. The point to note here is that none of these methods leads to the absence of emotion; instead, they change the way emotions are expressed.An interesting conclusion was drawn in another review published in PubMed, done in 2026 on adverse childhood experiences, attachment, and emotion regulation. Early adversity and disrupted attachments affect a person's emotion regulation over a lifetime. It is not only that a child learns what emotions feel like. He or she also learns which emotional responses are safe in that environment. If expressions are dismissed, punished, or ignored by caregivers, suppression eventually becomes one's default strategy for expressing emotions. From an observer's point of view, the child appears strong because he or she shows no signs of emotion under pressure or stress.Why some people learned to keep emotions privateAttachment theory suggests that people develop expectancies based on their experiences with caregivers throughout childhood. A study conducted in the journal Attachment & Human Development discovered that relationship quality in early life predicted adult attachment anxiety and avoidance, which affected future relationships with one’s parents, partner, and even friends. This research supports the notion that emotional patterns are not established by chance but through repeated experiences in which one learns whether emotional openness leads to satisfaction or disappointment.An additional piece of this puzzle comes from a 2026 review on adolescent attachment, mentalization, and emotion regulation. In this review, it was found that secure attachment promotes reflective abilities and efficient emotion regulation. In contrast, insecurity is related to challenges in this area. This further confirms the importance of feeling safe emotionally. Safety is not just about being comfortable. It is a state in which people can afford to explore their vulnerability, knowing that no harm will be done. However, when safety is not guaranteed, there is another message for kids – do not show your emotions. Over the years, it might get to the point where seeking support, expressing emotions, or sharing your worries seems pointless and even risky. By the time individuals grow up, these behaviors become part of their personalities.Early adversity and disrupted attachments affect a person's emotion regulation over a lifetime | PexelsSuppression hides emotion but does not remove itAnother of the most misconstrued findings in studies of emotion regulation concerns the suppression of emotions. According to a recent review of suppression and emotional processing, suppression occurs after the emotion has been activated; that is, the individual still experiences anger, sadness, embarrassment, or fear. This process does not aim at avoiding the experience, only its expression. Numerous studies have found that people who have a dismissing/avoidant attachment style tend to employ more deactivating techniques like suppression. Nevertheless, the emotional distress persists via physiological reactions and non-verbal cues, and internal distress. The person will probably not be crying, whining, or asking for help.A study published in Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience discovered that people with secure attachments exhibited lower brain activity when distressed after an attachment threat than those with insecure attachments. From this result, it is clear that being emotionally safe somehow influences the experience of emotions but does not affect their existence. Recent studies on attachment orientation and emotion regulation still describe the suppression of emotions as the main way that people with avoidant attachment styles cope with emotions. It may seem to others that these actions require no effort because they have done it for years.The most powerful point made in attachment theory is remarkably straightforward. Stoics do not lack emotion; they simply control their emotions. This self-control may come from experiences in situations where emotions were unwelcome or even dangerous. That which may seem like emotional detachment may have actually been a mechanism that served a valuable function. From a psychological perspective, the real issue is not whether these individuals experience intense emotions, but whether they learned that such emotions would not hurt them.