QuestionMy relationship broke up recently and it feels like the last straw to me.We met when we were both working in Europe for a short period and we got together only as our time was up. She was beautiful, smart and ambitious and I honestly thought I was out of her league and maybe I was right. For a year and a half we travelled across the world to be with each other and finally decided that one of us needed to move.As my career was stalling, it made sense for me to be the one to move and the whole visa thing took about six months. Eventually, I moved to her country and into her apartment, into her life. From the start it was hard; I had no money and getting constantly rejected from job interviews did not help. I know my confidence took a huge hit and eventually all we were doing was arguing. I had no friends and felt very reliant on her for everything – I did not like this about myself as I have always prided myself on independence and, to be honest, my background has always been that the man pays and provides, so this was extremely difficult for me.After eight months of no work and decreasing prospects, we had a huge row where I accused her parents of scheming against me, and she demanded I leave.I am now home and I can’t believe I let this wonderful woman slip through my fingers. I have a feeling that if it had been otherwise and I had found a job, we might have built a life together. I feel bereft and lonely, and I so regret all that happened.Honestly, I cannot see that my life will have much worth without her and wonder if there is anything left I can do to entice her back.AnswerThe ending of relationships is always painful, and it can take a long time to recover. Your response is complicated by the added factors of challenges to your self-esteem, regret and feelings of rejection. When things go wrong, we often try to regress to an earlier time (for example, children often return to baby behaviour when a new sibling arrives) as this was when we felt more secure and cared for.For you, the answer might be in coming to an acceptance that this relationship is over and that circumstances played a huge part in its demise. You could look at what you might take from this so that you are not so susceptible to future setbacks and you might find there is something valuable to be taken from this crisis. You have discovered that your sense of self is very linked to being able to provide and this is something that will need to be challenged (some people have to wait until retirement for this to dawn).How you value yourself as a human being is worth investigating and this has been one of the core topics for philosophers through the ages – you might do well to immerse yourself in some of this literature in order to both challenge your thinking and to hear what has been said on the topic over the years. What we discover is that our sense of worth is often linked to something (body, status, attractiveness, etc) and it can be painful when this inevitably declines, but a sense of freedom can come from recognising that you are not those things.The approach of reconnecting with the lost thing, as the only path to recovery, can limit and even block your life from expanding. You now know what it is to want to spend your life with someone and this is a good thing but there is not just one person out there for us.Take time to heal, allow yourself to grieve and let your family and friends care for you a little. This process will improve your ability to be in a relationship as all relationships require vulnerability and dependency, and practising this in your sadness now is both appropriate and developmental. If you struggle to allow people to get close to you, you might try counselling and there are many low-cost options available, and this will guide you through developing self-awareness and self-worth. Your ex-girlfriend has ended your relationship, and it is respectful to accept her decision.You might ask for a conversation at some stage so that you can better understand what happened, but it is important to let go the idea that returning to it is the only way forward. As you grow in self-confidence (through investing in yourself) you will find that slowly your desire for another relationship will surface and it would be good to engage with this possibility without the past baggage.In order for this to happen you might investigate some philosophical classes, reading or conversations (with wise people/groups) plus some self-examination via friends, family or counselling.See the Irish Council for Psychotherapy, the Psychological Society of Ireland or the Irish Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy for accredited practitioners.To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com