My mum decided last November she wanted to set up a joint account with me, her daughter. We visited the bank where the lady understood my mum, who is 81, just wanted me to be able to access money legally for my mum. The lady advised us to set it up online. The account in question was only going to contain a small amount. I later went to the bank to set up an app, guided by a staff member. I also lodged a small amount to activate the account. Recently, my mum received a statement on her personal account and decided to transfer money to our joint account, as she wanted me to assist with her shopping using the joint account. When mum and I went in to ask the lady to transfer a small amount from her personal account to the joint account, we were immediately questioned. My mum explained she was afraid of something happening to her and wanted me to be able to access funds if necessary.The decision was always my mum’s. I have a good full-time job, am unmarried with no children and my own bank account is in another bank. I’m highly financially independent. Under no circumstance would I need or want my mum’s money. I do feel I was blindsided. I felt so ashamed and upset. My mum is so precious to me and to be suspected of such an act broke my heart. Could you offer any advice or reassurance?MDIt is obviously deeply distressing to be in a position where you are trying to help your own mother and feel that you are assessed as a possible threat to them. As people get older, many – though by no means all – feel less sure of themselves especially with bureaucracy and with managing their financial affairs. They fear that if they start forgetting things, they could unwittingly get themselves into a financial hole with unpaid bills and the like.And, like your mum, some want to make sure that if anything happens to them so that they are unable to make decisions for themselves, their money is accessible. It is very common either to give a family member access to their account in a world where most banking is now done online, or, more formally and properly, add a family member as a signatory to their own account.There is no need for people to set up a separate joint account and that might have been some of the issue here – unfairly, but nonetheless. Adding you as a signatory to her account would have given you the access she wanted you to have to make sure bills were being paid and the like. I suspect it was the transferring of a lump sum to this new joint account from your mother’s account that clearly triggered some class of alarm at the branch. There are two things here really.First, you are paying a price for the fact that there are certainly unscrupulous family members out there who have no conscience about abusing their elderly relatives financially. Elder abuse is a real and growing concern and financial institutions, especially banks, often find themselves in the front line.It is not even just older people. We are seeing all too many cases in the courts of abuse and control of partners even among much younger people. And control of finances can be a part of that.[ ‘My husband has died and our home is in both our names. Do I have to notify the Land Registry?’Opens in new window ]The bank has a duty of care to their customers – in this case, your mum. They are also under instruction from regulators to be vigilant about any signs of elder abuse.Having said that, it is my experience that levels of training are not uniform across banks and even within the same bank. I have been told entirely different things as “fact” by different people in the same bank branch on the same subject. And the strength of staff communication skills can vary widely.Add to this the fact that, for some bank staff, English may not be a first language, and you can see the potential for misunderstanding and, at times, unnecessarily insensitive lines of questioning.The arrangement your mum and you have agreed is not uncommon and in the vast number of cases, as with you, it is simply a matter of convenience and peace of mind. [ Forget the scam phone texts – cyberattacks are about to move to a whole new levelOpens in new window ]What can you do?Well, there are two options. If your mum is comfortable with having you as a signatory on her account, it may leave less room for the sort of distressing misunderstanding that you encountered on this occasion.It would also more efficiently do what she wants. If she is capacitated and there are only limited funds in this joint account, it might not go very far in taking care of her needs and bills. The rest of her money will be locked up in her personal account which will not be available to you – contrary to what appears to be her intention.In any case, if she would prefer to continue with the current arrangement or move to give you signatory rights on her personal account, you should arrange to meet the manager of this bank – yes, I know, they tend to change fierce regularly but however. Explain the purpose of either this joint account or you having access to her account and ask that the relevant accounts be flagged on their system to indicate you are a trusted signatory. They will, clearly, be more concerned that your mother is happy with that arrangement so make sure she is comfortable with making that case either with you present or, as they may decide, in your absence to ensure no undue influence.You could also consider taking out an enduring power of attorney to kick in if your mum ever does become incapacitated but this will take longer to do. You can find the details here or in one of several pieces I have written previously on the subject.Please send your queries to Dominic Coyle, Q&A, The Irish Times, 24-28 Tara Street Dublin 2, or by email to dominic.coyle@irishtimes.com with a contact phone number. This column is a reader service and is not intended to replace professional advice