Many people who seem confident and successful remain in loveless relationships because leaving means facing a deeper fear: being alone with themselvesRoi Tzur|In my work, I have met many men and women who could not leave a relationship because of a deep fear that no one else would ever love them. They believed they would end their lives alone. That belief kept them clinging to unhappy marriages, even when it was clear they no longer wanted to stay with the person with whom they had shared years without emotional or sexual intimacy.In other areas of life, many of them projected confidence and outward success. But in the romantic sphere, they were ruled by insecurity and a paralyzing sense of misery. Because that gap was so hard to bear, some had affairs as a partial escape, hoping the affair would turn into a relationship that could serve as a lifeline. Others spent precious years debating what to do, or stayed not out of choice but out of a sense of necessity, while convincing themselves with misleading arguments.4 View gallery Having an affair as a lifeline(Photo: oneinchpunch / shutterstock)The fear of being alone is also familiar to single people who reach a later stage in life without a partner. It often comes with social pressure and the painful sense that something about them is flawed. Over time, that fear can deepen into despair: the feeling of having been left behind, of being different from everyone else, and of watching the possibility of finding a match grow more distant with each passing year.Behind this fear, whether it appears inside a relationship or outside one, there is often a deeper fear: the fear of being alone and meeting ourselves without seeing ourselves through the eyes of others. In other words, meeting ourselves as we are, without mediation from the outside world.This fear is not random. It is rooted in the way our sense of self was formed, and to what extent we can stay connected to the private, authentic parts of who we are.4 View gallery Feeling comfortable in our own company(Photo: Shutterstock)Psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott divided the self into two parts. One is the environmental self, known as the “false self,” though that name does not properly capture its important functional role. This is the part of the self that develops in childhood so we can adapt to our surroundings, first of all to our parents. Through it, we learn how to behave to receive appreciation and love. By nature, this self is more durable, rigid and adaptive.The second part of the self is private, internal and more authentic. It develops through the experience of unconditional love and is dubbed as the “true self,” though here, too, the term is not ideal in my view, because both selves are integral parts of who we are and operate together.The more emotionally difficult and complex our earliest relationships with our parents were, whether because of intrusiveness, neglect or a narcissistic parent, the more immature and fragile our private self may be. At the same time, we invest great effort in developing the environmental self so we can win respect, appreciation and love from those around us.For many people, and certainly for those who experienced traumatic childhoods, the environmental self serves as a kind of emotional scaffolding that supports the development of self-worth over the years.The thing about the environmental self is that it really does “work.” It nourishes us as long as we are interacting with the outside world, which reflects us to ourselves positively and meets our need for recognition and visibility.People who struggle with intimacy can be very successful in their careers because they rely on a highly polished environmental self, without anyone truly knowing them or understanding what is happening inside them.But what happens when those people are left alone with themselves? In those moments, the environmental self can no longer serve as a source of nourishment. They experience themselves only through the internal self, which has nothing to do with success, image or appearances.When the environmental self becomes highly developed while the private self remains fragile, unfamiliar or burdened by shame, two related difficulties often emerge. The first is a deep, destabilizing fear of being alone for any length of time and having to face that private self without the buffer of a partner or the outside world. The second is a serious difficulty in building a healthy relationship, even when we do meet someone.That is why people who lack real intimacy with themselves often find it hard to build intimacy with someone else. Romantic relationships require truth, openness and authenticity, not image management or survival strategies such as people-pleasing, caretaking, pretending or emotional distance.4 View gallery Clinging to unhappy relationships(Photo: Stock-Asso / shutterstock)When parts of the environmental self, such as beauty, an impressive career, wealth or certain abilities, begin to crack because of a traumatic event or wear down with time, our sense of self can become destabilized. Then we may find ourselves standing exposed before our internal, private self.In such moments, deep fears can arise: that we have nothing real to offer, that we are not worthy of love and that we do not know whether it is right to leave a long-term partner. We may begin asking others what is right for us, debate endlessly and struggle to make decisions, because every decision brings us into contact with an ashamed, embarrassed and confused part of ourselves, one that is no longer supported by the confidence of the environmental self.Leaving a relationship is hard, even when it is unhappy or already "dead", when our inner world is crowded with doubt and fear. If we are uncomfortable in our own company, it becomes easy to wonder why anyone else would want to be there with us. And if we cannot value what we bring to ourselves when we are alone, it becomes much harder to believe we have something meaningful to offer someone else.From that place, we may choose a relationship not from our inner, authentic self, but from the environmental self: from considerations of status, appearance or financial success. Years later, we may realize that while we are not alone, we are profoundly lonely. If we chose beauty, we should not be surprised when we are judged by it once it fades. If we chose money, we should not be surprised when our worth is measured by financial success.4 View gallery Close, yet far apart(Photo: Motortion Films / shutterstock)Choosing from the environmental self keeps us performing and concealing who we really are from the very person closest to us, sometimes for years. It is how couples can share the same bed, yet remain separated by an emotional abyss.For others, the choice of partner is driven by the wish to escape themselves and avoid meeting the private self. They use the other person almost like a blanket over their loneliness. But that choice can cause real pain, because the partner will eventually feel that they were chosen first out of need, and only later, if at all, out of genuine desire.In general, we should need someone because we love them, not love them because we need them to escape ourselves.To leave an unsatisfying relationship, or to enter an intimate one, we must first feel comfortable in our own company and believe we have something to offer, first and foremost to ourselves. Such a belief is not necessarily connected to success or capability, but to the knowledge that even if we are not chosen, or if we fail at something important to us, we will be all right, because we will always have ourselves.We can learn to be there for ourselves before asking someone else to do it for us. Being ready for a relationship requires, among other things, authenticity and inner connection. It means breaking loose from the environmental self and from the need to keep pretending we are someone else.It allows us to be exposed and vulnerable while still feeling whole, even in the presence of the weaker, more shame-filled parts of ourselves, areas that belong to the private self.The writer is a clinical social worker, psychotherapist and couples therapist.