Empathy can be one of our best qualities ― a force that deepens relationships, builds trust and helps us show up for others. But in some dynamics, that positive instinct can be turned against you.
“Weaponized empathy is a pattern of using empathy, compassion or guilt to influence another person’s behavior, often at the expense of personal boundaries and preferences,” Caitlyn Oscarson, a licensed marriage and family therapist, told HuffPost.
You might have made important plans one night, but then your partner says something like, “I had a bad day and really need you tonight, I don’t know what I’ll do without you.” So you cancel out of fear of letting your partner down.
“Your empathy influences you to stay home and set aside other commitments, believing that your partner will be in distress without you,” Oscarson said. “It can feel like you don’t have a choice and that setting boundaries or prioritizing your own needs will cause harm to your partner.”
Weaponized empathy is a common tactic among people with narcissistic personality disorder, particularly “covert narcissists” who show extreme sensitivity to criticism. If you try to talk about something they did that hurt your feelings, they quickly get distressed, say they’re “too overwhelmed” and shift the conversation such that you end up comforting them.
