The art of the heel: if you want a shot at the US presidency, you better be ready to sartorially debase yourself on the world stage
T
he secretary of state of the United States of America is openly slopping around in a pair of too-big shoes that he has to wear because the president gave them to him. Why? Possibly as a piece of exquisite and complex satire about the size of his penis; possibly because Marco Rubio exaggerated his shoe size because he rightly assumed it would be linked to presidential speculation about the size of his penis.
According to the vice-president, JD Vance, Donald Trump gives all his best boys a particular brand of shoe, either after guessing their size or making them disclose it. “The president, he kind of leans back in his chair,” explained Vance a couple of months ago, “and he says: ‘You know, you can tell a lot about a man by his shoe size.’” Strong words, particularly from a president with such famously tiny hands. Incidentally, Vance casually dropped it into the anecdote that he wore a 13.
Anyway: Vance, Rubio, defence secretary Pete Hegseth – they all have a pair. Of shoes. I can’t comment on the other, but let’s just say they’re about as likely to have the balls to stand up to Trump as they are to bin off the greasy pole of politics and risk it all in pursuit of excellence in competitive ice dancing. Certainly they would like you to deny the evidence of your own eyes and agree that there is absolutely nothing obviously emasculating about your boss buying your shoes and you having to wear them even though they don’t fit and make you look stupid. As one White House official told the Wall Street Journal: “It’s hysterical because everybody’s afraid not to wear them.” So everybody’s a goody two-shoes.
