Having romped into third place in Gorton and Denton, Labour is celebrating its success with a word salad | Marina Hyde

Got battered at the polls? No problem. Just act like voters want more of what you’re selling – not considerably less

A

s David Lammy put it on Thursday in a dispatch from Gorton and Denton: “Only Labour can stop Reform.” And listen, stopping them by taking third place and haemorrhaging half your support from a general election that took place 19 months ago in an area where you haven’t lost an election for almost 100 years is definitely an intriguing way to do it.

Only the Tories sound more furniture-munchingly insane after the Green win last night, announcing the result shows that “only the Conservatives have the experience, the plans and the team to ensure a stronger economy and a stronger country”. Guys? Your candidate LOST THEIR DEPOSIT. Your candidate pulled in the worst ever English byelection result in Conservative party history. This is a bit like the German military surfacing the morning after Operation Bagration in 1944, surveying the wreckage of the eastern front and declaring: “Lads, we’ve got this. Trust the process!”

But look, enough of happier times. And certainly, enough of the comfortable old saw that elections are won on the centre ground. British politics now has no centre, like a Möbius strip or Earth’s worst city (Los Angeles). The Green leader, Zack Polanski, announced on Friday morning that this victory “could transform the face of” UK politics. But could it make its boobs bigger just using its mind? Definitely a question going into the May local elections campaign.