Did you grow up with a mother who was “like a saint” to her friends and church community but was avoidant and dismissive at home? A father who was a virtual mensch to everyone he met, but rarely said “I love you” to you and your siblings?If so, you might have been raised by a communal narcissist. (Yes, we regret to inform you, there are multiple types of narcissists.)While traditional narcissists’ sense of self and value is formed around their job title, attractiveness or intelligence, communal narcissists get their narcissistic supply from their altruism, said Lauren Maher, a marriage and family therapist who works with adult children of narcissists. “Communal narcissists have the same sense of grandiosity and entitlement as standard narcissists, but they primarily boost their self image and ego by presenting themselves as being altruistic, helpful, generous and compassionate,” she said. This type of narcissist can be harder for others to spot, because they’re often perceived as pillars of the community and mission-driven. Still, there’s a catch to all that do-gooding, Maher said.“You won’t see them doing this work behind the scenes or without credit,” she told HuffPost. “There are usually strings attached, and they want to be publicly recognized for their contributions.” And usually, their giving nature doesn’t extend to their families.“Many of my clients have used the term ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ to describe what it was like to grow up with a communal narcissist and describe their parents as someone who was a saint in public and a tyrant in private,” Maher said.That dynamic sound familiar? Below, Maher and other therapists who specialize in narcissistic abuse recovery offer a few more signs you may have been raised by a communal narcissist. bojanstory via Getty Images“They may be solicitous, lend a compassionate ear, check in regularly, and bring food or gifts to that person while they tell their own sick or depressed child to ‘get over it’ or ’stop being so dramatic,'" marriage and family therapist Lauren Maher said.1. You struggle to recognize the person your parent is outside the home. To the outside world, your parent is the kindly neighbor who brings a casserole to the woman down the block who just lost her husband, the person who generously offers pro bono services to nonprofit organizations in the community. But that’s not who they are at home. “They may be solicitous, lend a compassionate ear, check in regularly, and bring food or gifts to people they hardly know while they tell their own sick or depressed child to ‘get over it’ or ‘stop being so dramatic,’” Maher said. Children of communal narcissists often have a hard time reconciling these two sides of their parents, especially when they’re younger, said Ami B. Kaplan, a psychotherapist who runs an online group for adult children of narcissists. “It’s confusing because they see the parent being a saint outside of the home and wonder, why isn’t the parent spending the same attention and energy on me?” she said.SDI Productions via Getty Images“Communal narcissist compare their children’s suffering to the suffering of others, minimizing and dismissing their child’s genuine needs and feelings in real time,” mental health counselor Hannah Alderete said. “This can lead to a profound sense of the child believing they don’t matter and a huge drop in self-worth.”2. You feel your needs are not as important as those of others.The child of the communal narcissist often feels lesser than, replaceable, and not as important as others. They learn to push their own needs away, as a survival mechanism, said Hannah Alderete, a mental health counselor specializing in the treatment of adult children of narcissistic parents.“You might question your feelings and get stuck in over-intellectualization,” she said. “You feel an internal sense of disconnection with yourself in which your own wants and needs never feel clear to you, which leaves you struggling with motivation and direction in your life.” 3. Your parent shrugs off your needs and bids for attention because ‘others have it worse.’Your hard day or worries about flunking your math test mattered back then, even if others had it worse. But your parent rarely made you feel that way. “Communal narcissists compare their children’s suffering to the suffering of others, minimizing and dismissing their child’s genuine needs and feelings in real time,” Alderete said. “This can lead to a profound sense of the child believing they don’t matter and a huge drop in self-worth.” FG Trade Latin via Getty Images“It’s not uncommon for people to say that they 'feel crazy' when dealing with a communal narcissist," Maher said. "It can be very hard to reconcile their public persona with your private relationship with them.”4. If you tell others what your parent is like around you, they struggle to believe it. Other people may not believe you when you try to express your frustrations about your parent because they’re so used to dealing with the kindly, altruistic version of your mom or dad. “It’s not uncommon for people to say that they ‘feel crazy’ when dealing with a communal narcissist because others make excuses for the parent or tell the child that they’re reading into things, being dramatic, or being too hard on someone,” Maher said. Here’s how to deal with a communal narcissist parent as an adult.Maher said communal narcissists tend to think highly of themselves and are not typically interested in feedback from their children, particularly if it might force them to confront something uncomfortable or shameful about themselves. That said, there are some strategies that can help you advocate and protect yourself in adulthood. It’s OK to feel anger at your parent. It’s OK to feel disappointed or like your parent let you down growing up. Your feelings matter, said Craig Malkin, a lecturer at Harvard Medical School and author of “Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret to Recognizing and Coping With Narcissists.”“Your parent might insist that they’ve been helpful and empathic, even when they’re not, but if you’re feeling disappointed or angry at them, trust that,” Malkin said. “Naming those feelings helps preserve your self-esteem and sanity and gives you the strength to decide whether to openly push back or protect yourself in quieter ways.”Know their lack of attention had nothing to do with you. Kaplan likes to remind her clients who grew up with narcissistic parents that their parent’s indifference had nothing to do with their worthiness as a child and human being. “It’s hard not to take it personally when it’s your parent who’s rejecting you,” she said. “Unfortunately, this kind of childhood can have lasting effects and it’s wise to seek expert help in recovering from the emotional trauma it may have caused.” SDI Productions via Getty ImagesThere's no one path toward healing, but a solid starting point is recognizing the impact that this kind of parenting has had on your sense of self and then asking the question, "What do I want for myself?"Get comfortable being a little selfish.If you have been raised by a communal narcissist, it’s likely that you’ve come to believe there’s something selfish about caring for yourself, when that’s far from the truth.“Giving caring attention to your feelings, needs, and pain points is the ultimate act of reparenting,” Alderete said. “It supports the parts of you that had to be denied in order for you to survive and learn how to take up space again.” Alderete added that there’s no one path toward healing, but a solid starting point is recognizing the impact that this kind of parenting has had on your sense of self and then asking the question, “What do I want for myself?”“You’ve been conditioned to perceive your wants as ‘bad’ or ‘unimportant,’ so this question can be quite confronting, but it’s a perfect entry point into building a new kind of self-relationship,” she said. Find your own community and values. Now that you’re largely outside the control of your parent, decide what matters to you, when it comes to both your value system and the people you surround yourself with. “Communal narcissists may try to shame, ridicule, or guilt trip you for not being dedicated enough to a certain cause or idea that they champion,” Maher said. “Remember that you have the right to decide what’s important to you and that it may not align with what your parent values.” As you chart your own path, it might be helpful to lean into friends and chosen family who are truly supportive of you, your goals and your dreams. You don’t have to do this alone, Maher said.“Cultivate and nurture your own ‘tribe’ of caring, supportive friends that see you and love you for who you are,” she said.