Have you ever wondered why you don’t feel good enough in relationships? Or why you strive to please everyone else around you, sometimes at the detriment of your own well-being? Are you constantly attracting emotionally unavailable partners? If the above sounds familiar, and you find yourself repeating the same patterns over and over again, you might have a “mother wound.”Many of us carry scars from our childhood. A mother wound isn’t always apparent. You can have a great relationship with your mom, and still have a mother wound. You can develop a mother wound from a different maternal primary caregiver. “Mother wounds generally refer to the emotional imprint left by early relational dynamics with one’s mother,” Lindsay O’Shea, a clinical psychologist with UnPattern, told HuffPost. “Core themes include: worthiness and lovability, emotional attunement (or lack of it), people pleasing/perfectionism, fear of abandonment, enmeshment or emotional over-responsibility. In adulthood, it can show up as over-functioning in relationships, difficulty setting boundaries without guilt, hyper-attuned to others’ moods, anxiety in closeness and internalized self-criticism. Underneath it all is a longing to feel emotionally chosen, soothed or mirrored.”Jasmin Lee Cori, author of “The Emotionally Absent Mother,” echoes this perspective: “The wound is in the child, now adult. It’s not about categorizing mothers. It’s a category of feelings, beliefs and behaviors that arise when a childhood relationship carried harmful elements and didn’t provide what the child needed.”What Causes The Mother Wound“The mother wound usually develops when a child’s emotional needs aren’t consistently met,” O’Shea said. “This could be through emotional unavailability, criticism, conditional love, overprotection, or even situations where a child has to take care of their mother. The goal in working with a mother wound is less about blaming the mother, as I believe everyone does the best they can given their own psychological well-being and trauma histories, and more about understanding how early dynamics shape adult attachment, identity and self-worth.”Cori adds that mother wounds typically arise from either emotional neglect or emotional abuse. Emotional neglect, sometimes called Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), happens when a child’s emotional needs aren’t met, leaving a subtle but profound impact on adult life. Emotional abuse involves punishing, shaming, or otherwise harmful behaviors.“Many mothers don’t understand the emotional needs of children, so this is also an important area to learn,” says Cori. “A few reasons why [mothers are unable to provide for their children] include unresolved trauma; being overburdened; having emotional problems or mental illness; being immature or emotionally undeveloped; mother being more involved in other things, like a career; had very limited mothering herself; struggling with addiction or an abusive partner; emotionally numb from any number of things.”Some Signs Of Mother Wounds In Adulthood Mother wounds often surface most clearly in relationships ― both romantic and platonic. According to O’Shea and Cori, you might notice these signs:Feel responsible for everyone’s feelingsHighly competitive but secretly doubt yourselfCrave approvalAttract emotionally unavailable peopleApologize excessivelyOver give in relationshipsFeeling like love must be earnedDeeply fear disappointing othersHoles in your sense of value and self-esteemFeeling as if you don’t have enough supportDifficulty accepting and advocating for your needsFeeling undernourished and emotionally starvedDifficulty taking in love and maintaining intimate relationshipsLoneliness and feelings of not belongingNot knowing how to process feelingsA pervasive sense of scarcitySense of struggleDepressionAddictive behaviorsFeeling disempoweredNot feeling safePerfectionism and self-criticism Difficulty finding your authentic voice and following your passionCori said that these patterns often reflect insecure attachment. Some adults develop a more withheld/avoidant style — self-sufficient and hesitant to initiate closeness — while others are clingy, anxious and struggle to maintain relational stability. “Fear of abandonment is woven into insecure attachment,” Cori adds. “Even small instances of perceived rejection can trigger intense emotional responses rooted in childhood.”If there was emotional abuse and/or neglect involved, Cori says these additional signs will also be apparent:High levels of anxietyDeeply engrained avoidanceAlienation from the bodyDegradation of healthDifficulty trustingUsed and unhappy in relationshipsInternal ceilingsInternal perpetratorsA collapsed selfSelf-harmingFrequent or ongoing dissociationAmnesiaNot sure what is realFeeling hypersensitiveHow To Start HealingHealing a mother wound doesn’t require cutting off or confronting your mother. Instead, it’s about reclaiming your own life and self-worth. O’Shea offers these practical steps:Identify childhood patterns in your adult relationshipsSeparate your adult identity from childhood rolesPractice emotional differentiation and self-regulationSet boundaries and strengthen self-trustEngage in self-reparenting and grief for unmet needsFor someone who is just starting to recognize these patterns in themselves, O’Shea recommends to: Name the pattern without judging yourself of othersNotice when you over-function or shrink yourselfBegin to notice your own needsTrack when guilt show up around setting boundariesWork with a therapist trained in attachment stylesStrengthen your inner voiceAdditionally, Cori emphasized that education and self-reflection are key, advising those with a mother wound to normalize their experiences, open up internal communication through journaling or reading, and work with a therapist trained in attachment patterns. Talking about a mother wound can feel loaded with guilt, since many of us are taught that mothers should be revered and unconditionally loved, making any criticism feel shameful or ungrateful.“Healing allows us to unload the pain we’ve carried, repair a wounded self-image, and become freer to love, grow and claim our authentic selves,” Cori said.But as O’Shea points out, “Healing doesn’t require villainizing a parent. You can hold two truths: loving your mother while acknowledging the pain she caused. In therapy, you can learn to hold both feelings; that you care for your mother deeply and also that the relationship has left you with painful experiences you want to work through. Without working through these feelings, trauma continues to get passed down from generation to generation until someone has the courage to break the pattern.”Ultimately, healing is about reclaiming your own life and self-worth: “We can’t change another person, but we can heal ourselves — and in doing so, change the way we relate to the world,” O’Shea said.