It might dawn on you gradually. Your mate talks about handling all the finances because he says his partner’s hopeless with money. He always knows where she is, or gets annoyed if she’s out with her friends. Or maybe you notice a friend hasn’t been her usual self lately – she’s more withdrawn, makes last-minute excuses for cancelling plans or is constantly barraged with texts and calls asking where she is. When you consistently notice behaviours that seem controlling, intimidating or isolating, don’t ignore them. You may be recognising coercive control.The Western Australian government says increasing the awareness and understanding of coercive control is a key part of preventing family and domestic violence. As part of its Coercion Hurts campaign, the government has developed a dedicated online hub to share information, educate and provide resources to help people recognise the signs of coercive control and understand where support is available.Kelda Oppermann describes coercive control as “emotional terrorism”. As the CEO of Zonta House Refuge Association – a specialist provider of family and domestic violence services in Western Australia – she is determined to change how we understand and act on coercive control.Oppermann says coercive control can be hard to recognise, and is often minimised, justified or misconstrued. But there is no mistaking the significant consequences.“It can have a severe, life-long impact, and in addition to the harm it causes, we know that physical violence is nearly always preceded by coercive control,” she says.An insidious pattern of behaviours designed to isolateThe signs of coercive control are not always obvious. It is defined by subtle patterns of behaviour that take away a victim-survivor’s independence over time. Oppermann says the many ways it manifests can make it hard to identify, for both victim-survivors and the people who love them and want to help.“It could be gaslighting,” she says. “It could be financial control, stalking, sexual coercion or abuse. It’s not about someone being abusive to everyone; it’s about how one person exhibits power, entitlement or control in patterned, ongoing ways within a relationship. It can leave victim-survivors feeling confused and questioning themselves and their reality. It’s subtle, but the impact is to gain power and control over another.”Coercive control is “targeted, intentional, patterned and ongoing”, Oppermann says, and – although it can occur in any relationship – often “twisted with intimacy”.Kelda Oppermann, CEO, Zonta House Refuge AssociationHelping victim-survivors understand what’s happeningMelissa Perry is the CEO of Yourtoolkit.com, a charity that gives women tools and resources to support them through family and domestic violence. Perry and her team help many victim-survivors from the very first step: seeing coercive control for what it really is.“Coercive control doesn’t usually begin with a punch,” she says. “Coercive control is difficult to identify because individual behaviours can appear insignificant in isolation. It begins with small acts that slowly erode a person’s confidence, independence and sense of reality.”Perry says some behaviours can be easily excused on their own. But as time goes on, those behaviours become a pattern of abuse, and in turn become a way to manipulate and control a partner. People experiencing coercive control often need help to connect the dots before they can take steps towards safety.Perry describes Yourtoolkit.com as a “digital front door for women experiencing family and domestic violence”. As well as safety information and connections to support services, the organisation offers an online self-assessment tool, which helps women who think they might be experiencing coercive control understand what’s happening to them. By answering questions about a partner’s behaviour, they can start to make decisions about what to do next.“It was launched in late 2023 and it’s had over 40,000 submissions,” Perry says. “Every one of those 40,000 submissions represents someone trying to understand whether they’re experiencing abuse.”Melissa Perry, CEO, Yourtoolkit.comIf we can see it, we can helpOppermann says: “Violence and abuse thrive in silence. When we stay silent, we facilitate the environment where perpetrators can continue to harm.”The solution, she says, starts with each of our voices. “It’s time to question. Question whether you accept what a mate is doing to their partner or family member. Question whether you should stay quiet.“It’s important men speak out against family and domestic violence, and coercive control, to create social boundaries and norms where harm and control have no place. We need everyone within their roles as parents, role models, caregivers, community members and leaders to prioritise this as being important to them.”She adds: “If we’re talking about it, if we’re educating people, then we are more likely to be able to reach more people and provide safety.”Through awareness, empathy and greater understanding, people can feel empowered, passionate and well-informed, Oppermann says. It’s in this environment that they can start to protect themselves and their loved ones.For friends and family who aren’t sure whether to speak up, Perry has a clear message: “If you think it’s happening, it probably is. By saying, ‘Hey, I notice; is there anything I can do to be helpful?’ you can change somebody’s life.”Coercive control is family and domestic violence. Visit the online hub to learn more about the signs and impacts of coercive control, and access support services, safety information, practical resources and translated materials.