Relationship therapists and sex education experts share why the voice memo has the internet so triggered.Show Caption
TikTok is split in a heated debate on sex, consent and what makes for healthy – or problematic – communication in the early dating stages. The controversy comes after a woman shared a now viral voice memo that her friend received after their first date from an unidentified man (now widely referred to as “voice memo guy”).The original post received 5.5 million views; even some reaction videos have received over 300,000 likes as people race to either come to the guy’s defense or share their disgust. So if these videos aren’t already swarming your For You Page, here’s what’s going on. A man followed-up after a first date with a voice memo stating that if his date is not interested in having sex with him on the second date, they “should end it here.” He said that exploring “sexual compatibility” is important for him early-on. “If I’m going to come over, I’m going to be hoping to hook up, have sex, have a good time,” he says. “What would be the point of me coming over then, if we’re not going to hook up?” The original user shared it as part of a trend where users share why they choose to stay single and captioned the video, "Genuinely what possessed him to send this." But the responses have been polarizing, and not everyone's seeing "voice memo guy" in the same light. Those in the "Team Voice Memo Guy" camp praised him for being forthright with his expectations, while others argue that this crosses the line from clear communication into coercion.So is “voice memo guy” a commendable communicator, or a walking red flag? Relationship therapists and sexologists weigh in. Why the internet is so divided over ‘voice memo guy’ On one hand, “voice memo guy” told his date exactly what he wanted and gave her the opportunity to cancel the date in advance if she wasn't on the same page. In an era of ghosting and “ego-scrolling” on dating apps, this type of honesty can feel radically refreshing.Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, a professor of sexual communication at California State University Fullerton, says disclosing those intentions in advance is a “good sexual communication act” that can help prevent “assumption and dangers.”She says the voice memo doesn't fit the textbook definition of coercion, but presented an ultimatum rather than an open conversation."Consent is ongoing," Suwinyattichaiporn explains. "It needs to be felt within a context, not like, 'This will happen, yes or no?'"Trauma and relationship therapist Jordan Pickell says women may also pick up on “underlying aggression” in his delivery.“Women in particular are always assessing emotional safety, respect, and how someone responds to boundaries,” she says. To Pickell, the tone did “not signify warmth or respect,” which “sets off some very subtle alarm bells.” She adds that even if the receiver of the voice memo was initially interested in having sex, the voice memo could make the situation feel unsafe. Pickell says it begs the question: How would the sender respond to “no” if the receiver changed their mind during the encounter? There's also an aspect of lived experiences and past traumas that are at play."One person hears a refreshing directness, and another person hears disrespect," Pickell says. "Our reactions are largely shaped by our lived experiences, like gender, access to power, past rejection and past coercion."How 'voice memo guy' could have communicated betterSuwinyattichaiporn says effective communication for relational development uses a "staircase model," which includes "priming messages" to build up to larger discussions of intimacy − sharing his entire side in one voice note was the sender's first mistake.Presenting the ultimatum is where Dr. Anthony Preischel, a sex therapist specializing in the treatment of compulsive sexual behaviors, says "voice memo guy" crosses a line from communication to pressure and persuasion.Better communication could have looked like expressing his desire to explore their sexual compatibility, and then pausing to ask for her thoughts. Preischel says this would give the date an opportunity to say yes or no on her own terms. Then, "voice memo guy" could decide to cancel the date if her response was a dealbreaker."The act of that sexual communication and the clarity it provides is completely right to do," Suwinyattichaiporn says. "But the way it was delivered sounded very insensitive... (and) entitled."
