Ronan is in his element when I meet him halfway up – believe it or not – Capel Street? Yeah, no, he’s smiling like a kid with sticky hands in a bridal shop. He goes, “How’s things, Rosser? Were you foddied?”I’m like, “Foddied?”He goes, “That’s right, Rosser – foddied.”I’m there, “Followed? Are you asking me was I followed?”He’s like, “That’s the one.”I’m there, “By who? Slash whom? Jesus, Ro, you’re paranoid.”He goes, “C’mere to me. Gimme a hug, Rosser.”I lean in and – I swear to God – he pats me down like he’s checking to see am I wearing a wire.I’m like, “For fock’s sake, Ro.”He goes, “You caddent be too careful, Rosser. Thrust no one is the motho I live by.”I look over his shoulder. I’m like, “Yeah, no, whatever. So is this the actual place?” He goes, “This is it, Rosser. What do you think?”It’s Capel Street. It goes without saying what I think.I’m there, “I’m sure the rent is affordable.”He has no idea what the rent is, of course. You might as well ask me how much it is to tax and insure my cor. The answer is my old man is paying for it.Yeah, no, this is my son’s latest business venture. The Museumt of the Irish Gangster. And – yeah, no – the ‘t’ at the end of museum isn’t silent?He ends up giving me the guided tour of the place. The building is still empty, which it has been ever since the previous tenant, Planet of the Totes Vapes, decided they couldn’t deal with the competition from The Vaped Crusader on one side and The Vape of Things to Come on the other and went into – yeah, no – liquidation.“Ine arthur getting me hands on one of the cars that was used in the Brinks Allied depot robbedy in Clonshaugh,” he goes. “Thee tried to burden it out but thee only half-succeeded. Ine godda put that theer, right in the middle of the floor. And I’ve a big bag of muddy what came from the Northerden Bank robbedy. That’s going over there.”All of a sudden, the famous Gelly O’Kelly – Ronan’s safecracker mate – steps into the room.He’s like, “Howiya, Rosser?”It belonged to The Generdoddle— RonanI’m there, “Yeah, no, super-duper, Gelly. I’m so proud that my eldest son has found a way to monetise his fixation with criminality.”He totally ignores this and goes, “Where am I putting this, Ronan?” and he holds up what even I – a rich kid from Brighton Road, Foxrock – recognise as a balaclava, or as it’s known on my side of town, a ski mask. Except I doubt if this one has ever been to Verbier. Ronan goes, “It belonged to The Generdoddle.”I’m like, “The which?”He goes, “The Generdoddle.”I’m like, “Still not getting it.”He’s there, “The Gen-er-dodd-doddle.”I’m like, “Oh, The General!”He goes, “That’s what Ine arthur saying. He wore it outside the court the time he pulled he’s throusers down and sang, ‘Ine godda sit right down and right meself a lethor.’ Although what I’d really luvven to get is he’s Mickey Mouse boxer shorts.”Gelly is like, “I’ve put the feelers out with one or two shams I woorked with back in the day, Ronan. If they’re out there, we’ll get them.”I’m there, “Gelly, do you mind if I have a quick word with my son in private? As in, can you maybe go for a focking walk? By the way, mine’s a flat white if, by some miracle, there’s a place around here that does decent coffee.”When he’s gone, Ronan turns around to me and goes, “You caddent be rude to the staff, Rosser. That’s me curator.”I’m like, “Ronan, I’m not letting you do this.”He’s there, “Do what?”I’m like, “This so-called museum.”He goes, “It’s pronounced museumt.”I’m there, “Whatever. Ro, this is the reason I was delighted when you went to the States. I wanted you to leave all of this behind.”He’s like, “All of what?”I’m there, “All of this glorifying in – again – criminality.”He goes, “It was in Amedica that I got the idea for it. All of the major cities – New York, Chicago, Boston – have museumts dedicated to their criminoddle pasts.”I’m there, “It’s nothing to be proud of, Ro.”You know somebody called Sawnoff Eddie?— RossHe’s like, “Ah, would you ebber give yisser eerse a rest. This countroddy has produced some of the wurdled’s leading criminoddles – and there’s nothing for them.”I’m there, “I told your mother when you were seven. I said, ‘Don’t let him read those Paul Williams books.’ But no, she knew better. And now it’s all this.”“That’s an idea,” he goes. “I might ast Paul to do the opening for me if Sawnoff Eddie caddent make it on the night.”I’m like, “You know somebody called Sawnoff Eddie?”He’s there, “Relax, Rosser. Insurdance fraud is he’s thing – not eermed robbedy.”I’m like, “So why’s he called Sawnoff Eddie?”He goes, “Because every time he needs a few bob, he cuts off one of he’s fingers using a–”I’m there, “Okay, Ronan, I get the picture.”Twenty minutes later, we’ve finished the tour and Gelly O’Kelly is back with my flat white.He’s like, “I had to go to Stodey-bleaten-bathor for it.”I think he’s talking about Stoneybasher. I take a sip. It’s absolutely focking revolting. I spit it out.Gelly goes, “It’s made with pigeon milk.”Yes, it’s definitely Stoneybasher.Right, that’s it. I’m putting my foot down.— RossHe turns to Ronan and he’s like, “Ine arthur getting a text, Ro. You’re godda be veddy, veddy happy.”Ronan’s like, “No way! You got the Mickey Mouse boxers?”Gelly’s there, “Didn’t I tell you he’d come through? He did a load of jobs with the fedda back in the day.”I’m there, “Right, that’s it. I’m putting my foot down. Ro, this is not happening. I did not put in all of those unsupervised access days with you when you were a kid to see you make your living off the back of criminality. That isn’t who we are as a family?”My phone all of a sudden rings. I answer it. Yeah, no, it ends up being the Gords in Bray.The dude on the other end goes, “Is this Ross O’Carroll-Kelly?”I’m like, “The one. The only,” out of habit more than anything.He goes, “I’m just ringing to let you know that your father has been arrested. We have him here in the station.”