So me and Ronan swing out to – believe it or not – Bray, just to see how my old man is getting on. I’ve a bet with him that he won’t last the summer living out there and I like to check on my investment from time to time.We walk into Second Shot Roasters on – yeah, no – Quinsboro Road and the old man is sitting in the corner with his new sidepiece, we’re talking Bernie, the mother of Claire from Bray of all places.“Ronan!” the old man goes at the top of his voice. “Kicker! How wonderful to see you both!”I’m like, “Your accent is up and down like a focked umbrella,” working my mind games on him. “Wait’ll they hear that in the Horseshoe Bor.”He’s there, “I think the sea air out here is doing me good, Ross.”I’m like, “I remember the time you were asked in an interview: what is man’s greatest invention? And you said–”He turns to Bernie and goes, “I have no memory of this.”And I’m there, “The Bray Bypass.”He’s like, “That would have been intended as a joke. No, life out here is wonderful … with my dear, dear Bernie. Although I’ll admit, I did think it’d be a hell of a lot harder.”“Oh! As the actress said to the bishop!” Bernie goes.That’s Eddie. Eddie O’Kelly. He spent 15 years in jail for, like, ormed robbery— ClaireAll of a sudden, Claire and Garret from – yeah, no – Greystones of all places arrive over. He’s got a smirk on his face that looks like it’d have to be removed by a surgeon.“Ross,” he tries to go, “gracing us with your presence again, I see?”Because that’s the type he is.I’m there, “Don’t flatter yourself. I only came out here to tell my old man that my cor insurance is due – seeing as he hasn’t got time to read texts these days.”Ronan, by the way, is staring at the barista, a dude with a shaved head and tattoo sleeves. He’s like, “I know that fedda.”I’m there, “No surprise there. All the staff here are ex-offenders.”He goes, “Ine throying to figure out hows I knows um.”Claire’s like, “That’s Eddie. Eddie O’Kelly. He spent 15 years in jail for, like, ormed robbery.”Garret goes, “People come to us because we believe that even former criminals deserve a second chance in life.”“Plus, no one else will hire them,” Claire goes, “so they’ll work for half-nothing.”I’m there, “Mine’s a latte, seeing as you’re asking. Make it hot and frothy.”“Oh! As the actress said to the bishop!” Bernie goes.At the same time, she’s doing something under the table. I look down and I notice that she’s counting a wad of cash – we’re talking 50s and 20s – on her right thigh. “Gelly O’Kelly!” Ronan suddenly goes. “Ine arthur remembering him. He’s Arelunt’s greatest ebber safecracker!”The dude ends up hearing him and he sort of, like, smiles in a, “You guys!” sort of way. Ronan’s like, “Do you know what I think is a teddible shame? This countroddy has produced some of the finest criminoddle minds in the wurdled – and yet there’s no Irish Gangster Museumt.”I’m there, “Where’d you get the money, Bernie?”And she glowers at me, then under her breath goes, “Never you fooken mind.”The old man’s like, “An Irish Gangster Museum!” because he thinks Ronan is a genius. Ronan’s there, “Yeah, you go to New York, Cheerlie, or Chicago, or addy of them places, and thee’ll hab a museumt, cebedrating the city’s criminoddle past. Think of the feddas we’ve produced oaber the years – and there’s nothing for them.”All of a sudden, the famous Gelly O’Kelly arrives over with our coffees.“Ine a major fan,” Ronan goes, blushing, like me around Tadhg Furlong. “Grandda, this is the fedda what blew the safe in Kean’s Jeweller’s warehouse – out be the airport. Thee said the safe was uncrackable. But Gelly here had it open inside of tedden midutes – am I right, Gelly?”Gelly smiles modestly to himself, like I do when someone brings up, for instance, a try I scored for Castlerock College back in the day.The dude goes, “You know, I’m not proud of what I did.”No one is going to call the cops, so long as you give it back— ClaireRonan’s there, “Well, you should be. We all should be – as a nation. Heeyor, Ine thinking of steerting up an Irish Gangster Museumt. Would you hab athin for it? Your police mugshots, addy timing devices you nebber got around to using – athin you could gib me.”The dude sort of, like, laughs to himself at Ronan’s – it might be a word – naiveness?”He goes, “Yeah, I robbed Kean’s Jewellers. And I robbed the Bank of Ireland in Swords and the Ulster Bank in Crumlin.”Ronan’s there, “Ine goddda hab a wing of the museumt called When Cash Was King.”Gelly’s like, “But do you know something? Robbing money didn’t give me more than a minute’s happiness.”Ronan’s there, “You’re being modest now. And you’ve no reason to be.”The dude goes, “I’m serious. Nothing in my criminal career gave me as much joy as making those coffees for you just now.”Ronan’s there, “Are you only pretending to go straight – so as you can fly unther the radar while you’re pladding yisser next job?”He laughs. He’s like, “No, I’m finished with all of that. These good people have given me a second chance and I full intend to–”All of a sudden, I hear Claire go, “Oh! My God! Oh! My actual? God?”Garret’s like, “What’s wrong?”And she goes, “Where’s all the money gone? There was €700 in the till!”Of course, every set of eyes in the room turns to the famous Gelly O’Kelly. So much for second chances.“What?” he goes. “You think it was me what took it?”Claire’s there, “No one’s accusing you of anything. It’s just that, well, if you did take it by accident – muscle memory or whatever – no one is going to call the cops, so long as you give it back.”The dude takes off his apron and goes, “Talk about giving a dog a bad name,” and then he’s like, “Fook this bleaten job,” and he scrunches his apron up in a ball and throws it at Claire, then storms out.Ronan follows him outside, going, “Gelly, Ine godda need a curator if you’re looking for woork.”I glower at Bernie and I’m about to tell everyone that it was her who took the moo when she digs her nails into my thigh and hisses at me: “You’ll keep your fooken mouth zipped, Rosser.”