‘When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary – totally necessary, which believe me it now is – for one people to dissolve the bands which have connected them with another, and to assume the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature – those are beautiful laws, the best laws, tremendous! – entitle them, a decent respect for the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes. “We hold these truths to be self-evident – bigly: that all men are created equal – and by ‘men’ we mean some women, too, by the way – that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, and that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Trump cryptocurrency, which Eric will tell you more about later.“Prudence says that long-established governments should not be changed for minor reasons. We are a patient people. Very patient. Maybe too patient. But when a long train of abuses – terrible abuses, really terrible – shows a design to place a people under absolute despotism, it is that people’s right to turn to their rulers and say, ‘You’re fired’.“Such has been the suffering of these colonies. Patient like nobody’s ever seen. The present King of Great Britain – crazy guy, I mean batsh*t crazy, you wouldn’t believe it! – has committed repeated injuries, all aimed at establishing absolute tyranny.“He refused good and necessary laws. Beautiful laws. Everybody wanted them. He said no. He delayed urgent laws, then ignored them. Terrible management. Real loser stuff.“He denied representation unless people surrendered their rights – maybe that tells you something? He called legislatures to remote, uncomfortable places just to wear people out. The worst venues. No good restaurants. Terrible parking.“He dissolved representative houses for defending the rights of the people. They stood up to him. He couldn’t handle it. He obstructed justice by blocking courts. No courts, no justice. A total disaster.“He made judges dependent on him for their jobs, their pay, for everything. Everybody knows that’s wrong – am I right? He rigged elections. He created swarms of officers to harass our people. Bureaucrats everywhere, bureaucratting 24/7. No one likes that.“He kept standing armies among us in peace without consent. Very threatening. Also very expensive. Not how you run a country. Unless you’re a total nutjob, which many people are saying he is.“He subjected us to foreign jurisdiction. He quartered troops in our homes – that’s just rude. He protected them by mock trials. Total disgrace. He obstructed our trade with the world. Some terrible deals, really terrible. He imposed taxes without consent – can you imagine? No consent, no taxes – beautiful idea, by the way.“He deprived us of trial by jury. Nobody honest likes that. He shipped us overseas on made-up charges. Not good. He took away our charters and changed our governments. He changed the rules – why? Because he was losing. “He suspended our legislatures and claimed power over us in all cases. Total power grab. He declared us outside his protection and waged war against us. Unbelievable. If you attack your own people, don’t act surprised when they want to say goodbye.“He plundered our seas – tremendous seas, including the Gulf of America as I call it, a very beautiful sea. He ravaged our coasts, burned our towns. He sent foreign mercenaries against us. Bad guys. Believe me, these are not the best people.“In every stage of these oppressions, we petitioned for redress in humble terms. Very humble. Maybe too humble. “Our petitions were answered only by injury. A prince marked by tyranny – they tell me young Prince George is crazy too, by the way; only 14 and drinking already, can you believe it? – is unfit to rule a free people. Totally unfit.“Nor have we ignored our brethren in Britain. Great country. Tremendous golf courses – I own some. But we warned them. We appealed to their justice. We said, ‘Look, this is not good. You don’t want this’. But they didn’t listen.“They too have been deaf. Sad. Very sad. We must therefore hold them as we hold the rest of mankind: enemies in war; in peace, friends.“This is why we, the representatives of the United States of America, protesting to the world the rectitude of our intentions – and believe me, our intentions are totally rectitudinous – do solemnly declare:“That these United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, free and independent states. That all political connection with Great Britain is hereby dissolved. Totally dissolved. Not just maybe dissolved. Not we’ll see dissolved. Dissolved, period.“By this declaration, relying firmly on divine providence, we pledge each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honour. “It’s a tremendous pledge. Maybe the greatest pledge ever. And delivered in the best words. That’s why we’re getting huge support for it already. Tremendous support. Numbers nobody’s ever seen before.”