By CAROLINE WEST-MEADS, AGONY AUNT, YOU MAGAZINE Updated: 17:12 BST, 3 July 2026
Q My husband and I have been married for nearly 20 years. At first, we had a great sex life but after three children in four years, I was often exhausted and sex became less frequent, which was mainly my fault. Now the children are older and more independent, I’ve wanted us to reconnect physically, but when I’ve tried to initiate, my husband hasn’t been interested. I recently discovered he has been secretly watching porn for many years when he has the house to himself. He says he had to do something as I wasn’t interested and that it’s better than an affair. I feel shocked and disgusted. My best friend says I should leave him, but he is not a bad man in other ways.A It’s very common for intimacy to dip during the exhausting years of raising young children, but please don’t see this as a ‘fault’ in you. Many couples go through this phase and it’s something that ideally should be navigated together. Your husband may have felt rejected but he could also have supported you more at the time so that you weren’t left so depleted. I can understand why this has come as such a shock and left you questioning your marriage. His response worries me; saying that he ‘had to do something’ and that it’s ‘better than having an affair’ is defensive and, again, unfairly puts the blame on you. It doesn’t sound as though you’ve been functioning as a team for some time and I expect that a lot of the emotional labour has been done by you. Porn can be very damaging to relationships and often becomes an addiction, causing a greater need for more and less interest in real-life sex. If you think that your husband’s porn has reached those levels, then he might need help to break this. He could visit recovery.org.uk. It’s very common for intimacy to dip during the exhausting years of raising young children, but please don’t see this as a ‘fault’ in you, writes Caroline West-MeadsI hope that he is more than just ‘not a bad man’ – it is rather a low bar and I wonder if your friend’s comment refers only to his porn use or whether she has observed that he does not treat you well generally. I think counselling is essential (see relate.org.uk), either alone to help you decide whether you want to continue in this marriage, or couples counselling for you both to talk about how you felt then and how to move forward now. If he is not willing to make this investment in your relationship, then, sadly, that might mean it is unlikely to survive. He would need to show a commitment to your marriage and to nurturing the physical as well as emotional side of your relationship, so that sex has a chance to become ‘making love’ again.How can I get her to give us some space?Q My mother has always been needy and anxious, but her behaviour is becoming intrusive. She calls every day to talk about what we’ve been doing, how the children are, our plans, and wants to see us every weekend. If I don’t answer, she rings again and again. It doesn’t allow us much space as a couple or a family. My dad and I have both tried to suggest it’s too much, but she says families should be close. How can I get her to back off a little? My husband is 15 years older than me and would never say anything, but is increasingly irritated because he feels she treats us like gauche teenagers. Contact CarolineIf you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. A Unless your mother has some particular reason to worry about you or the children, this does sound excessive. As both you and your father have already raised it with no success, it may help to think what is driving this behaviour. Perhaps she is lonely, or anxious, or may be carrying old insecurities from her own childhood so she seeks constant reassurance through contact. Keeping that in mind, talk to her again. Tell her that you love her very much, but that family life is busy and you cannot always answer the phone or see her every weekend. Make it clear that this is not a rejection, merely a practical necessity. Encourage her to invest more in her own interests and friendships. You may need to be firmer than you have been so far.
