Edward Gibbon was troubled by a swelling in his lower abdomen. I have the same condition. ‘Wow. That’s huge,’ said my GP as he gazed at the affected area. ‘Huge?’ I said, trying to sound nonchalant. ‘I wouldn’t know. It’s the only one I’ve ever seen.’ My cyst has been expanding steadily for decades and I was told a few years ago that its intentions were peaceful. My new GP was trying to scare me, obviously. I don’t blame him. It’s dull work staring at sick bodies all day and he was trying to amuse himself with a spot of scaremongering. ‘You’ll need a scan within two weeks,’ he added. ‘Cancerous perhaps?’ I asked. He nodded with a sly grin.
My cyst has been expanding steadily for decades and I was told a few years ago that its intentions were peaceful
I got the usual frosty welcome at my local hospital. The NHS believes in fairness and they treat everyone with equal contempt. I approached an Asian woman seated behind a sheet of glass. Stab-proof, no doubt. She was glancing at some important papers. ‘Is the imaging centre here?’ I asked, to catch her attention. She tilted her head towards a long corridor. ‘Costa. Keep going straight,’ she said. I set off down the corridor and passed two extra-wide nurses in blue uniforms who were advancing at the pace of elephants fording a lake. One held a carton of hot chocolate in her hand. The other was nibbling at an oat bar. Crumbs fell around her as she waddled.
