QuestionI have two problems and now I feel under terrible pressure without any resources to do anything about either.I have been working in a large corporation for the last 25 years and I have failed to rise beyond the basic grade. I have felt stymied at every turn, but lately it has become impossible, with a colleague accusing me of bullying and not doing my share of work.I have taken a counter claim against him as it is obvious to me that I am being targeted unfairly. The result is that I now work mostly on my own as we have been separated and this is worse than I thought it would be – I often go for days without speaking to a soul at work and I feel very strongly that I am being pushed out by the organisation. I won’t go though.Another problem is that my mother now has dementia and needs to go into a home, but I am the only child left in Ireland, and it feels very unfair to me that the others (one in the US and one in Australia) get away with doing nothing. My siblings have totally washed their hands of her (she wasn’t a great mother, to be fair, very selfish) and now it falls to me to do everything. Their argument is that I’ll get her house eventually, but I don’t think there will be much left in it after Fair Deal take their share.I feel like my life has shut down with nothing to look forward to and it has dealt me a rotten hand. Needless to say, I am living alone and my friends have drifted away over the years.AnswerYou are indeed in a tough situation, and you certainly need to address the two issues you raise.It sounds as if the situation has been brewing over a long period of time and now you are stuck in resentment and belligerence. It is important to acknowledge these attitudes as there is a huge amount you can do about them and doing so will allow your intelligence to open up to possibilities for change in your life.You are miserable at work, with no change in sight and yet you say you will not leave – is this so that the company won’t win? You might need to reconsider this and do so urgently as work often gives meaning and structure to our lives and yours is narrowing your world. As your case is being looked at by HR, could you request a career guidance session with a professional (paid for by your company) and look at what your options might be? Out of this might come some training suggestions and you might request your company to pay for the training also – after all, you are there 25 years.[ Your manager has a bigger impact on your mental health than your therapist or GPOpens in new window ]Taking action for your own development should shift some of your resistance and this can only be of benefit to you. The idea here is that you will end up with genuine choice regarding whether you stay in your current organisation or move to something that suits you better.Regarding the claim of bullying, there is usually an offer of mediation, and this is one worth taking as it allows for an agreed outcome between you and your colleague, rather than having something imposed, and again it will demonstrate that you are open to reconciliation and are a considerate and thoughtful human being. The situation created by your mum’s need to have full-time care, where the bulk of the responsibility falls to one sibling, is an all too familiar one. What often happens is that the entire past of a family comes fully to bear on this one situation.Her selfishness (as you suggest) may have driven your other siblings to cut her off, but this experience has allowed them to do the same to you and this needs some challenging.Can you ask for a family meeting? If you do it online it is hard for your siblings to refuse. You will need to ask for help and explain that your work is the cause of huge stress on you at this time and that you will need their support; perhaps ask what support they can offer at this time and say yes to whatever they say as this may lead to more offers.[ Family scapegoating: ‘Cutting ties with my mother was a grief, but it set me free’Opens in new window ]What is really important is to keep all channels of communication open – so often these get shut down and the next time anyone talks is at a funeral. You should also check out the implications of the Fair Deal scheme and if possible what your mother has said in her will, so that you and your siblings are fully informed. Turning to your feeling of resentment, this is an urgent thing for you to address as it shapes and colours all your engagements and communications.There is a saying that “resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die”. The idea it is trying to convey is how unhelpful it is to nurture such bitterness. The antidote is to accept fully what is happening (because it is real) and then apply your intelligence to finding options for yourself.Your life needs adjustment, and sometimes a crisis is what can kick start a change, so tackle the negative habits and put energy into your own development, and do it now.To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com