Every now and then, you acknowledge it - your phone’s got a hold on you. But is it veering out of control?. Photo: rido /123RFPrefer us on GoogleKaren Nimmo is a psychology and wellbeing writer.OPINION: “Sorry, just give me a second,” you say, smiling down at your phone.Your partner is quiet, waiting. When you surface, they’re looking at you expectantly. You have no idea what they were talking about. Can you fake your way out of this…again?Later you check your emails while making dinner. Scroll the news while the kids are telling stories about their day. Pick up your phone during a TV ad break and find yourself scrolling 20 minutes later. Play a game on your phone in bed - or smash the Wordle you forgot to do this morning.Every now and then, you acknowledge it - your phone’s got a hold on you. But is it veering out of control? Are you in addiction territory?The habit loop of phone useOur phones occupy a huge amount of space in our lives.Think about it: They wake up with us. Go to bed with us. Soothe us when we’re stressed or awake at 3am. Solve our memory issues. Save us from boredom or discomfort. Connect us with friends. Make us laugh, distract us from our worries. Demand our attention dozens - sometimes hundreds - of times a day.While most of us wouldn’t meet any formal criteria for “addiction” behavioural research suggests excessive use is a habit loop - cue, behaviour, reward - which happens so often it becomes automatic. Reaching for our phones becomes the go-to response - for everything.There’s also the fact that phones are designed to keep us on the hook. Rewards - like those used in slot machines - are built into notifications, feeds, messages and refresh cycles. So we keep going back for more.How much is too much?Here’s a just-for-fun checklist. Answer yes or no.Your partner often complains about your (over) use.You panic more when you can’t find your phone than when you can’t find your keys, wallet (or even your child.)You take your phone to the toilet.You sleep closer to your phone than to your partner.Your phone is the first thing you touch in the morning and the last thing you see at night.You reach for your phone to counter any/all emotions: boredom, stress, awkwardness, sadness, waiting, any form of dread.You “just check one thing” and mysteriously lose 28 minutes of your life.You can’t get through a dinner, a sports game or a movie without checking your phone.You and your partner sit in silence, scrolling separate worlds and occasionally sharing something by way of “connection”.You pick up your phone to do one task and emerge ten minutes later after reading about a celebrity divorce, the best air fryer to buy or outfits you should never wear over 40.You feel anxious in queues or waiting rooms without your phone - or use it so you don’t have to talk to anyone.Karen Nimmo is a psychology and wellbeing writer.So how’d you do?Individually, your “yes” answers don’t mean much. But in abundance they point to something psychologists call attentional fragmentation - the scattering of focus that makes it harder over time to be present.And that matters more than we want to admit, particularly when it comes to close relationships. Research shows the quantity of time matters less than the quality of attention. So your partner or kids will get more from having your full focus for 10 minutes than from an hour of sharing you with your phone.As for a solution? It’s not about digital detoxes or locking your phone in a drawer. We live in the real world. We need phones. We rely on them. A lot of the time, they’re pretty wonderful.But it’s worth clocking the downside, knowing that every time we reach for our phones, we’re trading something else. Not the dramatic events, but the small moments where your partner gives up on your answer and picks up the remote control. Or your kids turn back to their devices. Or your friend says they’re busy the next time you ask them for coffee.Because the question worth asking is not whether you’re in a relationship with your phone.It’s what - and who - is getting less of you because of it?