West of Durham lies an institution of learning, a varsity whose name I dare not speak, but whose avatar—a devil of deepest azure—should demonstrate amply the nature of the research that is conducted therein. In those hallowed halls labor intellects of such fantastic potency that it was inevitable one would look too far into the cyclopean depths of research funding and happen upon knowledge that no man was ever meant to glimpse. My own travels took me to that fantastic institution’s website in search of #content, and now I curse the perverse curiosity that possessed me on that wretched day. Would that I had instead ventured into the ancient park opposite, to wander between the gnarled trees and bend my weary body down to touch grass! Instead, I clicked on a link furnished with the intriguing title “Extreme dynamic symmetry enables omnidirectional and multifunctional robots”, and in doing so, I sealed my own damnation. Readers, I will relate the horrors I saw, and then I will hit “Publish” on this blog post, file my invoice, and never speak of it again.
The “omnidirectional and multifunctional robots” of which these learned men spoke had nothing resembling a human form—a fact of which the designer spoke proudly, ignorant of the forces they had unleashed! The leader of the deranged robotocist cult that had summoned the beast, one Boyuan Chen, spoke openly of his terrible designs to Arkham periodical Associated Press: “We’re not imitating anything in nature,” he said. He need not have elucidated this philosophy, for it was clear that the mechanical abomination resembled none of the plain, virtuous forms that characterize the creatures of this world: no quadruped or biped, no vertebrate or arthropod, neither slithering snake nor avian soaring on the thermal currents of the sky.
